I’m doing too much I’m not doing enough I’m not fun I’m not strong they’re not listening they don’t want to listen…
Each thought was a raindrop, rippling into a pond of self-doubt and lost identity. Recently, I had finally begun to believe I could be a teacher again. Unfortunately, once I acted upon my belief, the flashbacks and old lies came flooding back. My pond was almost a lake again. The whole of my being was at the bottom.
“Does anyone else want to give this a try?” I asked my teammates tentatively.
Their response surprised me. “Well, do you like doing it?”
That question made me think. I had to swim down to the bottom of the pond to remember that I actually did even though I didn’t feel like I did.
“I don’t mind it.” I was half lying and half not. I didn’t just ‘not mind,’ I loved it and I hated it all at the same time. I was paranoid about taking over too much and not doing enough all at once.
“Then we’re going to empower you to do it then.”
That word “empower” struck a chord in me that began to bring my confidence and passion back to the surface. I no longer felt like I was sinking, lost in murky waters. I felt like I was rising above again.
Empowerment is my passion but sometimes I forget that I also need to be empowered. To impart something on someone else, I first must have it.
I was so used to being put under a microscope every time I got up to teach. Every morsel of my identity was vulnerable to attack. I was never quite prepared to deflect a blow. I was so used to always needing to improve that I failed to remember why I wanted to teach. My purpose got lost while I was drowning in everyone else’s expectations.
All God expects of anyone is their heart. He never called us to be perfect. He called us to bring kingdom.
I came back to the surface of my thoughts, with my heart in my hand. I sucked in a breath and examined what was inside of it. God did too. I breathed the fresh air of truth deeply as He said to me…
“That is good, my servant.”
I stood up front again with a new mindset. I said the same thing but I felt different. I felt like I was doing what God created me to do. I was capable of empowering because I had been empowered.
Matthew 6:33
When your heart is right, you’re good enough for anything.
