I feel like I could write a whole book just about what experienced at training camp! God blew my mind and made me think in ways I never thought possible until less than a week ago. I just might have to write 2 blogs on this one experience because it was that amazing.
I started my 10 days saying yes to one of the most difficult challenges I have ever been faced with. I said yes to sitting in my pain, I said yes to uprooting deep wounds I didn’t remember were there, I said yes to letting go of the pride I held onto for years and I said yes to becoming a woman who is finally capable of knowing and spreading a peace that passes all understanding. It sounds hard and, honestly, it’s even harder than it sounds. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and there were times I wanted to quit because, as an ex-sufferer of social anxiety, being surrounded by strangers was positively paralyzing. I had no choice but to fully rely on God for my rest and security. I grew quite fond of the small private oasis that was my tent. For the first couple nights after session I would quickly brush my teeth and practically run back to my safe haven as inconspicuously as possible. I spent an hour or two laying there, trying to calm my racing thoughts as I listened to the more sociable people pass by my tent. I would silently giggle to myself and secretly wish I could be as outgoing and friendly as everyone else seemed to be but I was too afraid. I didn’t want to make a mistake because if I said anything they didn’t like I was sure I would be shunned and my year of ministry would instantly go down the tubes. I knew in my head that, that wasn’t true but the feelings of my heart told me otherwise.
I opened my Bible before breakfast one morning, shortly after praying that the Lord would help me complete a strenuous 3-mile hike in 50 minutes while carrying a fully-loaded pack on my back. I told God that if He really had called me to the World Race I needed some confirmation so I made like Gideon and laid out a fleece. I said, “if I finish this hike early then I’ll know I’m doing the right thing and I am not working through this fear in vain.” As I neurotically rocked back and forth in a rocking chair on the porch, God led me to read 1 Timothy 1:7 which says, “God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control.” I nearly laughed out loud because the timing of my reading that verse was simply too perfect. After an inspirational speech by none other than Hope Mendola, I felt empowered and ready to go…. And… drumroll please… I made it to the finish line in 47 minutes! If I hadn’t been falling over from exhaustion I would have cried tears of joy and relief. I think I may have sweat all my joy and relief out as I sat there and ate my celebratory granola bar. I released my fear and doubt like flaming paper lanterns in that moment and I knew that God had my back no matter how terrified I was to follow after His call. I thought that was it, but little did I know that God had so much more freedom waiting for me. Freedom that I didn’t even realize was possible until last week.
In almost every session and activity at training camp, I realized something new about myself and about the people around me. I felt like I had failed as a leader so many times that I could never be called a leader again and one of my trainers put her hand on my knee, looked me in the eye and said “I see you as a strong leader who will bring healing to other women like you.” This was right after I had taken a step of faith and shared some of fears with my squad so that they could better know how to help me and some of the other women on the squad who may be like me. I thought that I had a pretty out of the box view of God but He gave me a vision that told me otherwise. In this vision, I saw God crammed in a tiny cardboard box and I had to run to Him and rip it open so that He could help show me how to do what He was calling me to do. I thought that I had to be perfect and that making mistakes brought disappointment and anger but God revealed to me that it’s always okay not be okay. God is not afraid of my problems and His followers aren’t either because God knows they make mistakes too. It’s all about the learning curve and saying yes to sitting in pain. I thought that forgiveness would condone behavior and take away protection from those I love but I learned that my identity is not in being responsible for others. It’s God’s job to protect and exact justice, not mine. I thought I had to overcome all of my problems before entering into ministry but God showed me that it’s more like walking on a tightrope. I need to focus on one thing, Jesus, and take it slow so that I don’t fall in the process. I need to stop fighting sin and start filling myself up with the Holy Spirit. It’s that simple.
I wish I could write about it all but it probably would become a book and ain’t nobody got time for that. So, I’ll leave it at that for now and I hope to write more about how my journey and my story has, is and will intersect with other’s stories and journeys. Living life in story is what brings us all together and now that I’ve let go of fears I didn’t even know I had, I am free to be a woman of peace and I am free to share my story with anyone who has ears to hear. Training camp was, in a nutshell, the most wonderfully awful, freeing thing I have ever subjected myself to and it has most certainly made all the difference.
