This is a journal entry from the 12th of this month that I wanted to share:
Today I am reading the book the Circle Maker and I just realized that I have never fully been able to vocalize this dream that the Lord has been brewing in my heart.
When I went to college I was seeking to escape and recreate who I was, but instead God called me to His feet and completely recreate who I was, but instead God called me to is feet and completely recreated me. As I drew closer to Him and committed more of my life to Him, I began to realize that my old passions and dreams were falling away and that He had planted a new seed in my heart. I noticed the soft, green tendrils poking through, but refused to allow it to have any light and hit it from those around me. Even though I had promised my entire life and future to God with my words, I was afraid of the implanted desire’s foreign-ness and refused to acknowledge it as a possibility.
That changed at the end of my mission trip the Middle East when I finally realized that God is a lot bigger than I had ever imagined and it no longer seemed possible to deny His plan. From that moment on I began centering my future around the dream of doing full-time ministry. I changed my priorities in school and spend my free time researching seminaries. I was so hungry for God and spent many a late night in my room reading my Bible and rejoicing as I discovered new connections throughout. I immersed myself into college ministry and was in awe that something I loved so much could really be called a job one day. I was obedient to the things God called me to no matter how crazy they seemed because I trusted that His plan was better and that He would prepare me well.
That obedience is exactly what brings me here now, to this moment: journaling curled up on a mat on the floor listening to the rain pour down through an open window in a tiny room with 5 other amazing, Christ-centered women in the country of India. Even as I am across the entire world seeing and experiencing things that many can only dream of, the desire to work in a full-time ministry back in the States still burns strong. At night after teaching the Gospel to village children, making friends with rescued prostitutes, or praying healing over those living in the slums, my mind even yet wanders to dreams of leading a church.
I dream of elderly, children, teenagers, students, married couples, singles, professionals, poor, all nations, all ethnicities, all cultures coming together as a community. I dream of all these people coming together truly hungry to learn more about God and how to glorify Him in all they do. I dream of a group of people who love sacrificially and give selflessly and who burn with a passion to reclaim this world for God. I dream of changing communities with our words and baking up those words with actions and many genuinely coming to know the one true King. I dream of a people who fall to their knees as they humble themselves before God and who live through the Holy Spirit and do miraculous things in His name. I dream of a community that encourages and speaks life into one another instead of letting pride or the desire for power use their tongues. I dream of a safe place for all to come that is free of condemnation and hate. I dream of leaders from every generation who are utilized to teach, to disciple, and to encourage change and growth. I dream of many plants in the States and all over the world being a Light to the darkest of areas. I dream of a people who follow the Bible and could be called nothing else but God’s children. I dream of being a leader of this church and not being cut down for my lack of religious education, for my gender, or for my age. I dream of getting to see God change lives radically and bring many more into His kingdom.
These to me are some very big dreams that don’t entirely seem possible. I have so many unanswered questions: How will I find the money to pay my student loans? What about my lack of seminary? How will I lead a church when I have never truly been a part of one? Can I actually make a difference? Where do I begin? Through all of these questions I do know one thing: that this is a dream from God and He has been preparing me to bring it into reality. I am thankful that He has kept it burning and continued to clarify the pieces and trust that He will finish what He has started.
I have no idea what any of this will look like, but for now I am content in waiting on my knees ready to be blown away by His answer.
