It seems to me that whenever you say that you don’t want to or would never do something, God calls you to that very thing.
The good news is that He is a loving God who works in your heart so that you suddenly have a desire for things that you never thought you would. He is also a God who wants good for His children and is completely trustworthy and only changes your desires to match His perfect desires. This month God most definitely changed my desires to fit His course of action for my life and humbled me by having me eat my words!
Coming into the world race I had just graduated college and was leaving a ministry I had been really involved in as a leader and was so ready for a break. It was a huge relief to not be asked to be a leader for the race at training camp because I just wanted to enjoy my time and have freedom without all the extra responsibility. It was a valid desire and God surely gave me that, but I’m sorry to say that I also was a bit selfish and took advantage of this time too.
Like I explained in a previous blog, month one was a beautiful, almost too-good-to-be-true month for me. I was able to rest, be filled by God and my team, and truly be present in ministry, but I also was often silent when God was asking me to speak up and avoided a few things. I often took the easy way out of situations and let others deal with them and kept quiet even when I heard God’s voice so clearly for others. I was passive 99% of the time and happy to let others figure things out and make the decisions for me even when I certainly could have helped out and made the process easier.
I let fear and laziness get the best of me.
I was convicted of this at our squad debreif at the end of the month when processing through all that had happened. I clearly saw the pattern and I prayed about it, repented, let others in on my struggles and fears, and then made goals so that I could move forward and grow from the ways in which I had failed. A mentor told me that I didn’t need to wait for a position to be a leader on my team and on my squad and I was ready to press into that and challenge myself to have a voice with power from God.
God, however, simplified the process a little and drove the lesson straight home.
Days later I was asked to be the team leader for the same women who I had spent month one with. My initial reaction was surprise and then “Nope!” immediately after, but I bit my tongue and asked God what He wanted for me and my team. The Lord clearly spoke to me in that time through His word and in prayer and showed me that this is exactly what He wanted for me and what He had been filling me for. I decided to be obedient to the Lord and trust that His plan was better than mine and said yes to the position.
A week later and I still think that it was the right decision and that God knew what He was talking about. A title honestly means nothing in my eyes, but it does make it a lot more difficult for me to get by without ever saying anything which so clearly holds me accountable to something I had wanted to work on. I may only be a leader for this month or perhaps for the rest of the race, but I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and be stretched. I know that sometimes I am not going to love it and sometimes I am going to down-right fail at what I am asked to do, but I am excited to see the paths the Lord will take me with this and the things that He will teach me.
The beginning of this month has seen a lot of changes: lightening some loads (dropping my entire pack!) and giving me just a bit more on my plate in other ways. I am thankful for God’s perfect plan, timing, power, and love and am more than willing to eat my words and instead follow Him in obedience.
