Throughout my preparation for the World Race, I felt a void inside me. It was a deep numbness that I couldn’t shake. I didn’t understand what was causing it. I was getting ready to spend 11 months serving The Lord, why did I feel such a large disconnect? I thought once I actually left the U.S. and was on the mission field, it would go away. It didn’t. In fact, the void got bigger and the numbness deeper. It became almost crippling. I even began to doubt my salvation because I felt so far from God. On the roof one night, in a moment of vulnerability, I voiced my concerns to my teammates. I used the solar system as an analogy. I was the Earth and God was the Sun. Between us, was a black hole. A huge mass of nothingness that sucked all light from existence. I was able to see evidence of God from the light shining around the black hole, but I couldn’t see God himself…
All week I’d been praying God would show me what that black hole was. Why couldn’t I get past it? Why couldn’t I feel? Was I broken?
I’d been thinking about it since we arrived in the Dominican Republic. I’d not had much else to do. Besides the average two hours a day my team and I spent at the church, we were on pretty strict lock-down. We weren’t sure if we were staying in a shady part of town, or if our host was just really protective of us, but we were forbidden to leave the house without him. The door had to be locked at all times and a member of the church would stay with us an night. At first this was ok but after a while, it became frustrating. We would spend hours upon hours inside. All the while, longing to go outside and do ministry. That is what we came here for! That is what I signed up to do! I never anticipated sitting in a house with bars over the doors and windows for a majority of the day, watching from afar as little girls played in the yard below. It felt like a prison.
On a morning we were granted access to the roof, I decided to pass the time by reading a book called “Abba’s Child.” In the first chapter, the author describes the passionate, unyielding and unconditional love of Christ. I was reminded of the numbness I’d been feeling. Suddenly, the realization hit me like a train: that’s what the black hole was! I no longer felt love from God or for God. But this epiphany raised even more questions. Why couldn’t I feel it? Why did I feel emptiness with just a hint of bitterness whenever I thought about love of any kind?
I laid down in the sun and began to pray for God to let me experience love again. At once, it occurred to me that I’d forgotten what deep love felt like. I tried to recall the last time I loved someone, in hopes that I could awaken those feelings. I dug deep to recall the emotion… It rushed over me like a title wave. Andrew. Andrew, who had a stroke a year and a half ago. Andrew, who I thought I’d gotten over and moved on from. Andrew, who I thought I was done grieving for…Some people knew it at the time, others did not. I got backlash from many for feeling the way I did, but in the short time I knew him, I loved him more than I’ve ever loved any man. That was the last time I loved anyone. Since his aneurism, I’d shut my heart off. I’d numbed that area of my soul that was able to give and receive love. I used other people and other things as a substitute for love, but they’d left me hallow. The sadness I thought I’d gotten past; the loss I thought I’d grieved, was just my head choosing to block out those emotions because they were too painful to deal with. I didn’t want to feel because it hurt too much. I closed the door to love without realizing it. It was a defense mechanism. I didn’t know at the time that I was also shutting out God, because as cliché as it sounds, God is love.
After coming to this realization, it was like a dam had been broken. The water came thundering down towards me. A wrecking ball had completely knocked down my wall. For the first time in almost two years, I wasn’t numb anymore. I could feel! And it hurt, but in the most beautiful way. I remembered what it felt like to love again! Then I heard a gentle voice whisper,
“Now that you are able to recall what love feels like, multiply that by one million and know that I love you even more than that.
Then the tears came. Tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of pure adoration. I’d missed God so much. I’d missed seeing his face, feeling his love and loving him in return. I felt a brand new sense of freedom. The black hole was finally gone! In that moment, I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be. What was frustration only an hour prior because of my captivity, had turned into complete contentment in my circumstances. I needed isolation to work through my junk. My main prayer coming onto this race was that God would use my heart to reach others. In order to do that though, he had to make it available. I wouldn’t have come to that realization; I wouldn’t have gone through that grieving process if I hadn’t been locked inside the house all day with nothing but my thoughts and God’s.
It just so happened that within 30 minutes after this breakthrough, my team and I got the announcement that we were no longer quarantined. We were able to roam the streets and interact with the people! I was told something God had been telling me for the best few hours. “You are free.”
This experience helped me see how amazing God’s plan really is, Everything happens for a reason. His timing is perfect. Now that the void is gone, I am able to grow. I know recovery will take time. It’s like a scab was ripped off an infected wound, but at last I’m able to heal properly. My heart is now available and I’m so excited to meet the people God wants me to love!
