When I started blogging for the World Race. I wasn’t too excited about it. I mean, how exciting can my life be, but I guess on the World Race something is always happening so it is usually easy to write something. I decided early on that I didn’t want to be a blogger that writes novels with no pictures, or only writes funny things, or only writes serious things, etc. So, I have attempted to mix things up. I have attempted to write a serious/what-I’m-processing blog for the past 3 weeks and each time I sit at the computer nothing comes out. I think because all my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head, that I can’t get them out and it’s easier just to say that I would do it later. So, I’m going to try to take you on my internal journey in the last five weeks.
When we started the G42 project, I was excited. I was excited to be a part of the vision. I was excited to be the connector between the business world and the poverty and reality of life. I was excited to spend time with the children. I have struggled this whole year with finding my role in my team and finding what really makes me “come alive.” I guess that was one of my expectations on this trip that I would find something that I am passionate about and really walk in my giftings. I keep thinking in the next country, I will figure it out. So, I decided that this time I would help take on a more logistical leadership role and assist Morgan. The first two weeks were spent observing, learning, organizing, meeting people, etc. They moved kind of slow. We began to spend our mornings at the different carepoints playing with kids, singing kids’s songs, giving Bible lessons, helping the teachers, making sure they had food, etc. It was great, but then I started to get exhausted. I started to question what we were really doing there? Were we making a difference? Were we just more people in these kids’ lives where we show up and then leave? My idea of taking on a more of a logistical role didn’t really happen and once again, I felt like I wasn’t contributing or I didn’t have a position. It sucks feeling useless. Then, some of our leaders came and tried to encourage us, but personally, I didn’t feel to encouraged. I just kind of sunk down deeper into my discouragement. They did leave us with Psalms 37.
“…
3Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:…7Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;”
I was really struggling with what God asks of us. I am confident that He put the World Race, my team, me in this place for this time and this season, but I wasn’t happy, I didn’t feel fulfilled, so do I just suck it up and put on a fake face and love the children anyways or do I wait till it comes from the heart or do I find something else that fills me? And as I read the verses from Psalms 37, I decided to continue on and that the
truest desire of my heart
IS to be used by God. And if being used by God in this time is singing “atootytat” for the hundredth-millionth time, or holding another kid, or wiping another snotty nose, or breaking up another fight, then I would do it. So I have clung to these promises that God knows my heart, he knows what I desire, he knows what is going on in my head, and I have been called to trust Him. And each day I can go out trusting Him, doing good, and committing my way to Him, so that no matter what I am doing, it is in His will. And I know that sometimes we are taken through seasons, through times in our lives, when it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but later down the road we can look back and see God’s hand in it and that is what I am trusting with this experience. So, it might have taken me a few days to get over myself, to get over my own needs and look outwards, but the last week was redeemed. I had some renewed energy and was able to see those children in a new light. I am thankful that God has enough grace for us and that we are all on a constant journey finding our way through life.
“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)
**More pictures to come soon. Also, check out http://andrewmaas.theworldrace.org for some videos about our recent ministry!
