A few weeks ago our squad mentor asked us to pray and ask the Lord what he had in store for us at training camp. The first thing that came to me was confidence, I knew it was what God was telling me but was confused by it. I thought I was a pretty confident person! I wrote it down anyway not realizing yet what God had in store for me.
I started to get very nervous for training camp as it got closer. Worried about what we would be doing, anxious about meeting new people, afraid I wouldn’t pass the timed hike. I have struggled with anxiety in the past and I felt like I was slipping back into the same struggle. I allowed the enemy to use these things to control and isolate me. I started off training camp withdrawn and shy, two things I’m not. As it was happening I knew what I was doing but couldn’t snap out of it, I felt like it was too late to be myself and redeem my experience.
During an exercise, a few days into camp, we went through our life markers. I realized then that a lot of the things in my past had impacted me in a way I never realized. My confidence. This was the root of my anxiety, I had no confidence in my self, afraid of rejection from not only those around me but from my heavenly father.
I prayed and talked with God, asking Him for clarity on this. He told me how loved I was, how I didn’t have to work for His love, I had already been given it. I needed to accept it and to stop letting things control me that He had already freed me from.
It’s not easy to let go, to accept the love. To really truly believe that I don’t have to be anything but myself to serve the Lord and to live out the calling He has put in my heart. I know the next 11 months will be difficult but I know that He loves me and I am confident of that.
