When God went on Vacation

Hello my people-

I'm home. I've showered. I've ate awesome food. I've slept on a real bed.

So why do I find myself full of discontentment and frustration?

Isn't this what we've been talking about on the race? American luxuries and seeing our families again? 

I find myself immersed in the "American dream" but desiring to be anywhere but here.

I have access to everything that the world claims should make me "happy" but I find myself longing for only one thing that feels so far away from all this stuff.

Where did he go? How could I have come from a third world country that is overwhelmed with poverty and suffering and feel that God is alive and good just to come back to America where people "have it all" and feel like he's gone on vacation?

After longing to be with my family I immediately pushed them away upon returning home. I couldn't match their joy. I associated them with America and therefore spent little quality time with them, instead using them for my dumping ground of complaints to why I was so unsatisfied with where I was at.

I still had a little bit of resentment towards The Lord for not healing me on the race. I knew that upon arriving home it would be a quick recovery between the knowledge of the doctors, rest and nutritious food. Quick health update: I am doing much better now that I have the proper meds, it's just a matter of forcing myself to rest.

I attempted to sort through my thoughts by doing a concept map. I realized that every lie that I had uprooted on the race and already declared victory over had returned.

• I came home vulnerable and Satan attacked. I came home with the fear that my fellow G-squad would forget about me, people who I truly loved after being with them for 9 months. Lie: I am forgettable
• I came home once again facing the same lie that I was doing nothing to contribute to fighting evil in this world therefore I had become "useless" and "pathetic." Lie: My value is based on my works
• I didn't "feel" my Jesus therefore I started to question everything I had just learned. Do I even believe? Am I even a legit Christian? Lie: I haven't changed at all

These are only a few of the lies that Satan attempted to overwhelm me with over the past few days.

This morning in Easter Sunday the service was about the cross and the resurrection. It was perfect, my heavenly daddy knew what I needed to hear.

This morning I realized that this is going to be hard. This is going to be a battle but the most important thing is to not forget WHOSE I AM.

This morning I was reminded that I am a fighter. I am courageous. I am a force to be reckoned with! I had let helplessness and hopelessness sink in over the first 24 hours of being home. I told myself I would never be able to escape the emotions I was feeling.

In the name of Jesus what lies!!! I'm calling Satan for the bluffer he is. I may be in America but my God has NOT abandoned me and I am STILL a new creation. I let myself lay down in defeat but now I am standing up once again, shaking my fist in the face of the devil and letting him know I can't be defeated.

Who am I to think that my God cannot carry me through this? I so easily forgot that emotions don't reflect truth. I forgot to fight.

Well my people, I now remember the victory that I have claimed and I am claiming victory over EVERYDAY in the states, no matter how difficult it gets.

Thank you all for the love and support. I know this won't be easy. I don't have a plan and it freaks me out but I can have peace knowing that The Lord will direct me. He isn't a God of confusion and he hasn't "left" me to figure things out. So I am claiming that my Jesus has defeated this battle and although I don't see him moving or his plan I have faith he knows exactly what he is doing.

Missing you my G-squad family. To my American family and friends thank you for all of your love and support. This is not going to be an easy time but your words and love have helped me to begin to see the truth in this situation. I look forward to seeing you all soon!

Love. Ellie

BTW I am longing to return to my G-squad for the final debrief at the end of May in Kenya. If you feel The Lord has called you to support me in this effort let me know.
Thank you for all your love my people.