Cravings of This World – Guest Blog

Loneliness

      Helplessness

             Worthlessness

 

Three emotions that can truly go hand in hand. But the real thing that I have realized in feeling these emotions, is that they all have one thing in common in my life. 

They find me when I am not seeking God.

 

I have always desired to feel loved. I wanted to find it in places other than my family. I wanted to find true love. I wanted someone to wrap me up and love me forever.

 

Ever since I can remember I’ve been a believer, and I’ve never doubted His existence. But I guess you could consider me a floater. I could be on fire for God for a couple months, and then the minute a guy would come in my life that showed an interest in me, I hesitate only for a short time before I placed God on the back burner.

 

And there He sat in my mind when I became engaged to a person that was completely wrong for me. I wanted to be in control, and I knew if I let God be in control He would make it very evident that I was making a mistake. So off to the burner He went as far as I was concerned.

 

Lonelieness

       Helplessness

              Worthlessness

 

I felt more of these emotions in this “loving” relationship than I have ever felt in my life.

 

It’s easy to pretend everything is perfect in your head. Especially when Satan is trying to make sure that you keep God on that back burner. 

 

After God proved to me that my being in control was never going to work, I ended up breaking off my engagement. 

To say I was a mess, is an understatement.

But on the back burner, I left God.

 

My best friend had moved to Iowa for school, and invited me to live with her and go to school in Iowa. I immediately agreed. Getting out of that town was all I wanted at that point. And when she also invited me to go to Haiti with her and her friends to do mission work, I jumped right on board.

 

I moved to Iowa and two weeks later we were off to Haiti.

 

Let me tell you that God rocked my world when He sent me to Haiti. 
That love I craved, I found in the eyes of a little boy during Sunday school. And my heart has been forever changed since that day.

 

I began to remove God off of the back burner.

 

Two of the girls I went to Haiti with were going on this magical thing called the World Race. After I was told about it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I suddenly wanted to be a part of it. So when I got home, I applied. I filled out all the information, and picked what Route I wanted to go on, and I was so excited about it. I got a couple phone calls from the people who worked for the World Race who wanted to talk to me and give me more information. When that happened reality set in, and I suddenly became too afraid to go to 11 countries for 11 months. But the thing I feared the most was that on the Race, I wouldn’t be in 

 

Control.

 

That was too scary for me. So the phone would ring, and I couldn’t answer. The emails would come through, and I couldn’t come up with the words to tell them I was too scared to let go of control.

 

Then as if the time couldn’t be more perfect, in walked “the man of my dreams”.

I wasn’t necessarily looking for a relationship, and 

 

“THE one will find you when you least expect it”

 is a true quote right?

  

He was so intrigued by me. 

 

I went to Haiti and loved adventure, he thought it was so cool.

           I loved Jesus and that made me unique.

       I played a little guitar and that made me so attractive.

           I was kind-hearted and that made me special.

 

We connected through music.

We both played guitar, and we both had the same type of sense of humor.

We were “perfect”. 

 

Where was God in my eyes now?

Oh He was on the back burner.

But it wasn’t for a bad reason. I just needed to help this guy because he had a rough childhood, and he needed to learn about Jesus.

 

I could change him.

 

WRONG AGAIN KEELEY.

 

I moved to the town over and got a new apartment. I started taking my boyfriend to church with me whenever he came to visit. Things were wonderful.

 

For awhile.

He showed me more love than anyone ever has.

 

For awhile.

 

Suddenly, the control I thought I had, was now in the hands of my boyfriend. I was in the controlling arms of a monster.

 

Instead of being cool, I was pathetic.

Instead of being unique, I was just like every other girl.

Instead of being attractive, I was trying too hard.

Instead of being kind-hearted, I was stupid.

 

That was the hardest relationship to get out of. 

The love I always dreamed about was never portrayed to be that way.

 

After I ended yet another relationship that didn’t work out, I was numb and lost.

God was still on the back burner.

 

But after nothing else seemed to work the way I wanted, and 

 

Loneliness

             Helplessness

              and 

                                       Worthlessness set in,

 

I finally decided I wanted to go to church again.

 

I asked a friend to go with me, and the morning of, she cancelled due to sickness.

“Great, this is exactly what I need. I can’t go by myself. Only losers do that.”

I expected my anxiety level to sky-rocket but it didn’t.

I felt a nudge to go.

So I went.

 

The sermon was about seeking God in the midst of a storm. That God puts us through these storms, not to discourage us, but to break us to a point where we have to rely on Him. So that He may mend our broken hearts. And that it truly is as simple as giving all of our junk up to Him. Because He will take care of it. IF we let Him.

 

I felt as if God legitimately slapped me in the face.

 

“HELLOOOOOOO, KEELEY! THIS IS FOR YOU. CAN YOU TAKE ME OFF THE BACK BURNER YET?”

 

At the end of the sermon the pastor talked about a class that the church was going to be putting on starting the 1st of October. It was called The Journey.

“This class goes over three basic questions: Who is God? Who am I? What is God calling me to do in my life?”

 

Immediately my heart began to beat out of my chest. After the sermon I found the email of the teacher of the class and told him I needed to be in this class.

 

The week before the class started I kept feeling a tug at my heart about the World Race. I embraced the thought, and decided I would pray about it and see if it was something God was actually calling me to do, or if it was all of the sudden something I decided I wanted to do. 

 

I took care of a child in daycare back in High school, who I absolutely loved, and I thought about him throughout the week before my class. I decided to add his mom, Barb, on Facebook to see how he was. I messaged her asking about him, and we talked about how things were going in each other’s lives. She shared that her daughter was moving to Honduras after she gets her Associates, because she wants to do mission work, and I shared that I wanted to do the World Race after I graduated. She told me she would be praying for me, and I was so appreciative of it. 

 

She asked if she could call me, and we ended up talking on the phone for a long time. She encouraged me, and told me that God would guide me through everything, even if my parents didn’t understand, it would eventually be okay. She also said that coming from a parent, it’s not something easy for them. But that she would continue to pray for me, and my parents and this journey I was on.

 

When I got off the phone, I was sitting on my bed eating dinner, when I started thinking about what a beautiful and special women of God Barb is. Then I nearly choked on my food at the realization of the amazing thought God presented to me.

He nudged me and said, “What about Barb?”

 

And immediately I knew she was who God had put in my life to be my mentor before my teacher had even placed that thought in my head.

I prayed about it, and it became more and more evident that she was who God brought to me. TO ME.

I asked her. And she said was honored.

I was ecstatic. 

After my next class I couldn’t wait to tell my teacher everything. He knew how discouraged I was, and was overjoyed to hear what God had just done in my life.

I left that class crying too. 

But with happy tears this time.

God is SO good.

Or as they say in Haiti: Bondye Bon.(:

 

The World Race is on my mind all of the time. And I truly feel called to go. For real this time. However, God has much more for me to learn before that time comes. The program in school I was supposed to be in starting the fall of 2014, filled up before I had all of my required classes. I am currently working as a Chiropractor’s Assistant for the year I am not in school. So I have to start this program in the fall of 2015.

That means that the World Race cannot start for me until 2016.

 

I believe that I am called to the Race. I believe God has huge plans for the day I choose my route, and begin my fundraising.

However, although I pray about those things daily, I am called at this present time to serve those in the office I work in. And although sometimes I feel discouraged, and pray for the future to come faster, God is really challenging me to “Embrace the now”.

 

So that’s what I’m doing.

 

The love I used to crave all of those years ago, I have found.

God loves me so much that he sent His son to this vicious world, to die for me. FOR ME.

THAT is true love.

 

Loneliness?

          Helplessness?

                  Worthlessness?

 

These emotions don’t come from God.

They’re emotions that Satan tries to bring to us to persuade us to throw God back on the burner.

 

I have decided to break the burner. It’s done. It is no more.

I have decided to put all of my faith in God, to persevere and fearlessly follow.

 

You lead, I follow Lord.