I was a little uneasy to be so real and open to the world. Well, I still am. But I have to make this known to teach to prove and to let everyone else who is going through this that they are not alone.
For weeks I've tried to hold in feelings, doubts, frustrations, even tears. I try to be that strong girl who made it to the other side. Who found light and comfort when she thought and believed she would never see the day where she can truly be happy. There was always a part of me that wanted to be a part of something monumental. I tried my hardest to fit in, I was always a little different than most. I was the quiet shy one who would eat up her feelings. I never liked school due to bullying, who would? But at the end of the day it wasn't the things other kids would tell me it wasn't even the shoving, it was the fact that I felt so alone. I always had a great deal of love for my parents and I would never ever dare to worry them about anything negative especially my mother. Having her worry day and night was not going to happen. At the age of 15 I had about 10 different schools on my record so the little friends I had I only knew them for a year or so. Being close to only my parents you would think I would of been more open with them but I wasn't. Never did I feel I had to discuss my feelings it was nonsense. Keeping a book of every hurtful experience I had in my mind I somehow still had compassion for the world. I forgave easily. Almost too easy even seconds after a betrayal. But that was me. And I figured it was okay. The only thing that I felt comfortable doing, was offering anything I could to people. Being needed. I started volunteering at local churches working on Christmas day handing out bags of food and things people needed. I loved it, I finally felt like I belonged. Day after day just submitting a hand for everything and anything.
High school came along and the pressures of the world seemed too heavy to put aside. I went on trying to 'fit in' not knowing that I was slowly but surely removing myself from the track that God had put me on. After a huge mistake and what was the biggest disappointment for my father I realized I couldn't continue being someone I wasn't. I felt like it was time to get close to God again. A church that I was going to at the time was having a woman's conference a beautiful retreat in the mountains of North Carolina where I was living. We stayed in a cabin and got treated like princesses . Throughout that weekend I learned different things, things that were beautiful to people of faith but naive to others. We received many gifts and specific letters and sayings. I didn't pay much attention to them when I was there. But little did I know that one of those letters was soon to be a confirmation amongst many.
After high school It was only me, the way it had been for so long. I could go back to being myself and feeling comfortable. Living life a little better, but still alone. I was then introduced to social media. Could this change my life or save my life? I t was all very exciting and I got the hang of it pretty quickly. A easy way to 'meet' people and for me it was awesome. No judgments just conversations. My biggest hobby was creating videos. I started putting them on youtube and I quickly made an audience, many admires and many trolls. I made a lot of people who I called friends. They were what friends were to me. For the first time in my life I opened up about everything… and they understood. I wasn't alone many people related to me, It was amazing. There were however a couple of individuals who would change my life for the worse. I, being so innocent and open to all this forgot about the deceivers and the wicked the liars and the betrayers. There was in fact many Judas' roaming around but this time in what our generation was used to. It was a test in my life. Although it wasn't physical (for the most part) the mental damage was diabolical. This was a spiritual warfare. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world against spiritual wickedness in high places." Ephesians 6:12
An event that went on for four years. A event that impacted thousands even the family of a man known to millions and millions of people. But even then people don't know a ounce of what I went through.
I'm no longer a part of that world. The things of this world does not come close to the kingdom of which I belong to now. The world may have had a grip on me but God made me strong enough to break the chains and I'm happy to say he has set the captive free. A blessing in disguise without those catastrophic events I would not be where I am now or as close to God or Happy!
He's my savior my King in Christ I trust and there is not a soul on this planet who can make me say otherwise. "For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness but unto us which are saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18
"God thundereth marvellously with his voice; great things doeth he, which we cannot comprehend." Job 37:5 With that, he has called me out upon the waters of the earth. With many confirmations in prayer and in praise and in scripture but one that will remain always in my hand is the letter from the conference 8 years ago That I happened to find deep in storage days after my acceptance to the race
… It was in Spanish and written a little like this….
Before you were formed in the womb of your mother, I knew you. Before you were born I anointed you and have given you for prophesy of all nations. Behold, I put words in your mouth therefore don't be silent. I am your strength, no one will make you strong. Trust and rest in me, What I have promised you I will do. I send you by the power of my spirit to go and convince the nations and the confines of the earth in my name.
I started this blog with a purpose, to inform people of my worry and sadness of my fundraisings I felt lost, I felt like a failure and was wondering why I didn't have enough faith. I felt alone yet again for the lack of donations prayers, and support from my family. But typing this and opening up in general God has put in my heart yet another confirmation, that he is always with me. And my faith will stand. Throughout any storm I will continue to praise. I will meet my new family for the next year I will meet my goals for fundraising. I have three weeks and even though I don't have much Father will provide for there is nothing he cannot do his name alone makes darkness tremble. Might seem impossible to others but he's shown me many great things and this is the route he has put me on so let it be.
I humbly ask that anyone who came across this that you consider praying for me and this amazing opportunity to travel the world and lend a hand the only thing I truly ever loved doing. It is my pleasure and great honor to help in any way. At this time donations are desperately needed $5 $10 even $1 anything helps and the thought alone warms my heart beyond belief. I also ask for the unity of all who come through the power of prayer is magnificent our words alone make wickedness flee.
Thank you again.
A special thank you to my A squad team you uplift me in all the right times. May the Lord continue providing. I love you
