The first time I started writing this blog, it was going to be about our ministries in Guatemala; what we did, where we went, who we met… But God made it clear that I was supposed to write about something else, which became apparent when I accidentally deleted everything I had previously written. I also didn’t want to write a generic post about my month.
I want people to have a glimpse of what I have been learning and what God has been showing me time and time again. I want to show people a piece of my heart. I want to be honest, and I want to be real.
Last month was odd. Ministry-wise it was phenomenal and I greatly enjoyed each and every individual we came in contact with and the capacities in which we served. But emotionally… I was a train wreck and I couldn’t figure out how to get myself back on the tracks… and it all started in month 4 debrief. I don’t even remember what the context of that nights devotion was, but I couldn’t be in the room any more. I excused myself, went to my hotel room, and wept. I felt as though I was insignificant, had no friends, no connections, and was just plain worthless. And I let those thoughts and feelings drag on into the next month with my new team.
While they were bonding, I was sulking. While I watched from my corner the connections taking place around me, I wished to be apart. But I couldn’t force myself to engage. And so I kept going down this never-ending spiral with thoughts such as:
“I’m the fifth wheel again.”
“No one is willing to sacrifice any time for me.”
“Why do I always have to be the pursuer?”
And on and on. But it was a catch 11 from the beginning! I was allowing my thoughts to continue to speak negatively, and in turn my actions were negative. How was I ever going to break this cycle? How was I going to show my new team the “real” me?
Well. First of all, I had to tell Satan to shut up. Those thoughts were from him, and I was going to send them back to the hell they came from. By speaking (and thinking) constant death over myself I wasn’t allowing God to work in me and I wasn’t allowing my new team to love me.
I had been told by several people since admitting where my thoughts have been to look to scriptures to speak life over myself. So here are a few:
He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5)
I will not give the enemy an opportunity or foothold in my life (Ephesians 4:27)
The One who is in me is greater than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4)
I obtain the favor of the Lord (Proverbs 12:2)
I am the apple of my Father’s eye (Deuteronomy 32:10)
I only allow my mind to entertain what is honorable, right, pure, lovely, noble excellent, and worthy of praise (Phil 4:8)
I am a necessary and useful part of the body of Christ, and I will use my spiritual gifts to edify others (1 Cor 12:7)
I will not be afraid because I know the spirit of fear is not from Him. He has given me a spirit of power, love, and of a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13)
So I vowed at the end of the month once my struggles had been made known that I would step into this new month boldly, and not believe the lies that were always prodding me in the back. And so I leave you with these words of advice:
If you (dear reader) also struggle with self-doubt, or just continuously speak death over yourself, look to the scriptures. Speak life over yourself. Trust and believe every single day that you are worth it. Because you are.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Say it out loud.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Write down truths about yourself and read them every morning.
Ask God to give you Bible verses to memorize and memorize them.
And above all,
Tell Satan to just shut up and go back to his dungeon.
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So this next section is just generic info about where I’m at, prayer requests and financial shtuff.
Currently my team is in Fang, Chiang Mai, Thailand. We are working at the Fangchanupathum School teaching English this month and I am so excited!
Above all, my team could use prayer for health. Jet lag has been a little rough and our bodies are on a strike because of it. Pray that we would be able to receive good rest and be 100% for the rest of the month. Other than that general safety is always good.
Financially I only have $2,500 left to be fully funded! So if you would like to donate feel free to click the “Support Me” link. Any amount helps.
Once again, I love you all. God bless!
