This 1st month has been a whirlwind of emotional turmoil. And needless to say, I was not prepared.
We began this journey and I thought I had it all together:
My team was awesome. Doing great & having fun.
I was soaking up devotions.
Giving myself over to our ministry assignments and doing my best.
As we all know, God doesn’t allow you to breeze through life with Him. There will be trials, and there will be tribulations. There will be persecution, and there will be pain. And I was not prepared to have that all rain down during the first 3 weeks of the race.
My team leader stepped down. I respect her decision and I still love her. She is my family.
Our ministry the second week was working with kids. While myself and 2 others were super excited, 3 others were not and it was a struggle just to make it through day to day, feeling like the whole weight of the ministry was on your shoulders. We began to drift apart, team meetings began to feel more like obligation and stress than bonding and empowerment. We weren’t talking and there was unspoken tension and emotion (myself included). And if there was talking, there wasn’t a lot of listening or understanding. We were a hot mess, to put it bluntly, and by week 3 we almost ceased to be a team altogether.
It was during that last week that God really started to work on my heart.
Back home I am known as a spit fire. If someone I love is hurt or disrespected my first instinct is to go in guns blazing, fire shooting from my ears and nose, and rip whoever did the hurting a new one. I didn’t care if my words cut like knives or my icy glare chilled to the bone. I was going to defend and collateral damage was inevitable.
But that’s not how things work on the World Race.
We do something called feedback, and whether it’s positive or constructive, the reason behind it is to empower and encourage someone to correct (or keep doing what they’re doing) to become closer to the individual God wants them to be.
And it sucks. Or, sucked.
I am terrible at feedback. Because as I stated above, back home I wouldn’t have cared what I said or did, so long as whoever I was talking to got the point. Collateral damage, remember?
So now I’m faced with a challenge. I can continue being the person I was back home, or I can allow God to work on my heart and give me the appropriate words to speak in love and grace rather than bitterness and anger. Do you see why the struggle bus came rolling into town at full speed? I was in a constant battle with my own self and also with others and I just couldn’t deal.
I shut down.
I figured if I’m not getting anywhere by trying to change, than why try to change at all?
Which was a terrible mindset and didn’t help anyone.
Fast forward to debrief.
My team was the first team to go through team debrief. And that simply means we (River Dwellers) meet with our 3 squad leaders and 3 squad mentors and basically discuss how we’re doing. I was dreading have to sit there and admit that we had fallen apart and that we weren’t acting like a team. But once we began talking I felt like the dread was gone. Things were going to be okay. And they were! We were able to openly discuss our faults (myself included) and then learn how to appropriately give and receive feedback. So while it may have felt like rock bottom prior to that meeting, I am now so excited to see the things God has in store for my team. We can only grow and get better from here. And I can only grow and get better from here and I strive to change my old ways for the better.
This entire week we have also been talking about vulnerability. Which is another area I struggle with.
I have a mindset that the things of my past will haunt me and make people look down on me. Skeletons that hid in the corners of my closet will be made known. And it’s not like they haven’t been revealed before. But only to select people. I’ve never just thrown the door open wide and exclaimed, “Here you go! All the scars, bruises, and battered pieces of my life!”
Terrifying.
But I’m learning that it’s okay to let people in. There is freedom in letting others know. Satan can’t use what’s been thrown into the light against you. And the only way I can let that light shine through is by letting God actually use me and by letting him speak to me.
One night in particular comes to mind. The first night’s session.
I was sitting against a wall, eyes closed, listening to the worship music play and just not really sure how I was doing or what I was feeling. One of my squad mates, and a dear friend, approaches me and hands me a folded up piece of paper.
“Jesus told me to give this to you.”
I opened it up after she had walked off, read it, and immediately started crying.
Inside was write a note. At the top it said “You’re beautiful” and “You’re loved.”
Then it began:
Princess,
One day I will make all the rough edge smooth. What may be hard now will be for your growth! Keep on the path. I love you! I notice you!
-God
I didn’t realize that I needed to hear those words until they hit me like a ton of bricks.
I felt like God was taking me in his arms and reassuring me that it was okay to be prickly. He was going to help me smooth out those edges, and he was going to make everything okay.
Then another squad mate was addressing the entire group and said that he felt God had given him 3 simple words to share that not only he needed to hear, but others as well.
“I missed you.”
Another ton of bricks. I had sealed up all these walls around areas of my life for so long that I hadn’t even realized that in the process I had sealed God off from my own heart. He had been put in a box and placed up in the attic. But when I had read that note it was like God had burst from the box and was giving me one of those huge bear hugs.
“I missed you.”
I had let him come back to me in a way that I hadn’t done in a very long time.
I started crying again.
Jesus, why are you making all these salty droplets of water pour from my eyes!?
This is not how I act back home. I’ve got my ducks in a row and I certainly don’t cry.
But God calls us to be vulnerable. He calls us to endure the trials and tribulations of life.
He calls us to endure the pain that comes from following him.
And you know what?
That’s okay.
I’m ready for this allergic reaction to feelings.
Let my eyes become swollen from tears.
Let my throat tighten as I comfort a friend in need and feel unexplained empathy.
Because you know what?
Jesus is my EpiPen and I know he’ll be right there to help me through.
