During high school and college, I got really good at writing papers. This was mainly due to my AMAZING English teacher, Mrs. Coley. I was on the honors track and my last two years included roughly 2 papers per week. I could whip out a 2 page paper that would get me an A in 40 minutes tops without thinking about it. By the time I got to college, 5 page papers took 1.5 hours without breaking a sweat.
So why can't I keep up with blogging???
It should be no problem for me to whip out a blog a day. I did it in high school; I did it in college. Why can't I do it now?
Because blogging is personal.
I was the type of girl growing up who thought that journals were pretty and I would save up my money to buy one with all of the good intentions to write everyday and pour out my heart to those blank pages. I would make one entry and then it would join the shelf that was full of one entry journals, completely forgotten about. It's not like I hated writing, I was actually quite good at it. It's not like I didn't have time, I could find time to do the things that I wanted to. It was more personal than that. It was my fleshy, perfectionistic, "how would people view me" self.
I didn't want to admit what was going on in my heart, in case it wasn't perfect.
I had enough self esteem problems growing up that I didn't want to look back on where I was and compare myself to where I am. Whether I had improved or had slipped, I didn't want it to be in black and white. What if someone found my journal? Would I want them to see all of my failures, regrets, mistakes, or confusion?
I didn't want to document the "messy" times in my life. And I still don't.
My perfectionist, OCD flesh is constantly at war with my spirit. I want to describe where I am and what I am going through, but what if? What if people judge me for what I write? What if people think I'm not ready to be a missionary and won't support me? What if I'm not as improved by the end of this journey as I wanted to be? What if no one understands my mess?
What if my mess is too big for my squadmates to deal with?
These thoughts are constantly going through my head as I sit down to write a new blog. Instead, I end up staring at a blank page for 5 minutes, get bored, and go on Facebook. Exactly what the devil wants me to do. Over and over I return to write a blog and I just feel stuck. I am constantly at war with myself over what I should write. I get halfway through a blog and then I abandon it. Why is that?
The problem is not with what others think about me, its about how I think of myself.
I need to admit to myself that I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I cannot be perfect. I am messy. My relationships are messy. My life is messy. And yet, God loves my imperfect, messy self. He created me knowing that my life wouldn't be full of rainbows and roses.
God doesn't expect me to be perfect, so why should I castigate myself over something I cannot attain?
My dear squadmates: This year is going to be messy. I am going to be broken. I am going to face my faults. I am going to be wrecked. I am not going to like it at the time. Nevertheless, we will make it through!! Are you with me?
My family: This year will change me. I will not be the same exact person as who left. I will come back as a beautiful mess. I am going to need your acceptance as these changes will effect all of my relationships. Are you with me?
My supporters: I cannot do this without you. You are making it possible for me to go on this life-changing journey. If you read my blog, you will not see a perfect person. Because I am not perfect and I will never be. Are you with me?
