It’s a daily fight not choose numbness but to remember the past.
To continue to dig in hopes of finding the root that has caused me to be in a mess for some many years.
INDIA
Limitless, my second team who were only together month 4 in December 2011.
This month was the first time I was God heal someone through me and my team. I read in the bible and in world race blogs but didn’t believe it.
Same goes for casting out a demon.
I got to the amazing healing power of God….His power in general.
Then our suffered a blow when one of ours announced he was leaving the race because he couldn’t handle his depression.
I want to so badly pray for God to heal.
I couldn’t though because he believed God gave him depression caused by chemical imbalance for a reason.
I am pretty sure that in those few days, I prayed the hardest I had ever had.I prayed that a miracle would happen. When one doesn’t believe, then it makes it hard to happen. Not impossible, just hard. Well, the miracle that I wanted didn’t happen.
I cried out in frustration. I was confused.
I also prayed hard that our team would stay together even though we only had one guy now.
Looking back, I wish they would have done something. I was devastated but maybe it would had been better for a change.
I also blindly thought we were fine. On our way next to the next country, we finally talked about it as a team. We had been avoided each other the past week because at first, we couldn’t say anything to everyone else. We avoided each other so we wouldn’t have to talk about it and probably cry again.
Trust was broken. The guy had been thinking about it most of the previous month and had talked to leaders. People were upset that he hadn’t said anything to us. We were afraid and knew our team wouldn’t be together long. I went into that month with blind optimism.
TEAM CHANGE
I again had blind optimism for this new team.
The thing was that a teammate from the previous team and I joined a team that had been together for two months but had issues as well. Didn’t help that adding two more people.
Being intentional became hard.
We were at the middle of the race…Definitely out of the honeymoon stage.
Trust issues grew. Fear of abandonment had returned.
We met a missionary from England. We were in Rwanda. He in a way was a distraction. He’s a great guy and I still keep in touch with him but our team focused him while he was with us so we could bury team problems for a little while.
MY LAST TEAM
Months 9-11
All I am going to say is that I wish I would have acted and said something sooner. I could have been building on friendships. I could have been forming new ones.
I might have come off the race in not great place emotionally but God has blown my perspective of Him out of the water.
I trusted that He had me and that He was in control.
He still has me and always will. He is and always will be the leader of my life
