I slipped back into numbness. It was easy. I knew this was going to be a constant struggle.
I got sick. I used it as an excuse. I've been more sick. I've seen people more sick yet decide to ministry.
I didn't stick with the habit of getting up early and spending with Jesus this week.
I didn't go to the coffee shop that I went to everyday since Marissa, Emily, and I found it the second day we arrived in Da Nang.
i know I can't do this on my own. I need your help, God. I know I have to work for it too. I know that I can't just sit and expect you to do all the work.
If I did that. that would be what people think I do with friendships.
Do I not have grace for others? Or not as much as I thought I did? Do I have grace for myself?
I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I pursue hardcore then hide. I fear rejection and abandonment. There, I said it. I've tried to drop these fears but I find myself constantly picking them back up.
Then why try? Why can't it just be Jesus and I? Why do I have such a big heart for the surface level people but harden my heart when it comes to the ones who are close or the ones who know me pretty well? People want to know more of me but I won't let them.
No wonder God has never gave me the desire to get married until recently.
How can I expect people to seek me out when all they hear are accusations towards others without putting blame on myself?
God, fill me with your grace and love. Take all my grudges away. Let me forget them. This big heart wants to try to keep loving even if some don't want to welcome me in. Let people see me in a new light. Show me how love the people in Saigon until we leave on June 27th. Prepare my heart for Malaysia. Set my heart on fire to pursue my teammates, the team we are paired with, and the people who we will come in contact with.
