The life of a missionary/World Racer is tough. I get to travel the world for a lot cheaper than most. I get to eat a variety of foods and meet people from all over the world I never would have known existed. I get to experience people loving me just because I’m American “shiny and new”. I get to experience God in a new way in a new place every month. I get invited into people’s homes to pray for them and have conversations with them. I get bragging rights of all the stamps on my passport. I get the luxury of not worrying about work, rent, insurance, or any kind of bill. I get to wake up every morning and choose to not have a care in the world and to go with the flow.
I get to be a “missionary” and all that the title brings with it. I am looked at as some kind of special holy kind of being because I’m a “missionary”. I am always ready and “on” to share at the drop of a hat because it’s why I’m here, it’s what I signed up for. I don’t get to have a “day off” from work and the responsibilities of an overseas missionary. The guilt and shame that creeps in from below for not wanting to minister or share the word or dare I say read my bible! The truth is I get empty just as much as you reading this back home do. I get lonely as you do. I struggle with feeling lost and confused. I struggle with anger, frustration, agitation, and selfishness. I need the Lord just as much as the people that I’ve been sent to minister to do.
These feelings came to a head last Saturday, our team’s day off to relax or go into the city to get Wi-Fi and get on FB and talk with our friends and family back home. I decided, along with Joan and Liz, to stay back and relax here in the village. The day before we were asked to visit a church member’s home and relax there. Great! The morning was going great, we had a good breakfast with a cup of coffee and then the team watched a movie before half of us headed to the city. Lunch came around then another movie, so far a great day off with no schedule or agenda or even a need to shower. Then it was time to walk to visit our friend from church and half way through that walk that little creepy negativity started creeping in. It was sudden and I was not anticipating it. I was so annoyed by having to walk to another part of the village on my day off….the audacity! I prayed for positivity and joy and I thought ok good, my prayer for the day, quota check. Well when we arrived there were about 20kids waiting for the Muzungus to arrive. And my sense of agitation and the unintentional pressure to deliver set in. I was annoyed of not being able to relax on my day off and I had to come to minister to a bunch of kids and their parents.” I’m not that special why are you so eager to hear what I got to say?” is what I kept saying in my head. I started praying for God to take over and give me a new perspective and attitude. He took over and anointed my prayers and guided me through that time but I was still feeling uneasy on leaving. I felt awful and guilty for being annoyed at these kids and our friend from church. Why was I so mad, they did nothing wrong. Besides I agreed to come and visit them.
Those feelings of guilt and shame are not abnormal or uncommon, just rarely discussed openly. I have the luxury of being surrounded by others who know exactly what I’m feeling to help guide me in those times. My team helped me realize that although those feelings happen does not mean we have to sit in them. We have the Father to give them to. We have a Father to refill us every time we’re running on empty. Don’t look at your tank and put off “refueling” until you die out on the side of the road. Refill before you’re on “E” so that you keep going strong. I thought I was “resting” but I wasn’t fully resting in Him like I needed to. I was only putting in a couple bucks to get me to the next stop instead of filling my tank till it over flows. Lesson learned.
He’s like the Starbucks at every corner, always open and ready to fill your cup and give you the boost you need to keep you going:)
I am still in need of $2,133.64 to be fully funded, if you’d like to partner with me in supporting me financially please click on the “support me link” on the left of the screen to make an online donation. And of course if you’d like to support me prayerfully, Thank You! God Bless:)
