Growing up in church I got to experience church hurt first hand quite a bit. It started with my family. They were hurt by the people in the church and even deacons. It got so bad they ended up not being a big part of the church anymore and just attended on Sundays, but even that got to the point of where they stopped going all together. They received judgemental looks and no love from the congregation. Although, they stopped going, I was going up into the youth group at this time and I wanted to keep going. Long story short my parents allowed me to keep going. However, because my family did not attend that church I got a lot of sarcastic comments about them not being there, from adults and even the spiritual leaders of the church. I was also different from some of the people. I questioned things and was even told I needed to stop or I would go to Hell. I felt judged constantly. I was experiencing all this as an 7th and 8th grader. I even felt like that was normal! “That’s just how church is”, I would tell myself. So I never told anyone what people said or did. Since then other things have happened that I won’t discuss. Because of situations and how some of the pastors and leaders have made me feel or have even straight up said to me: worthless, I could never amount to be anything great, stupid and never knew what I was talking about, my opinion does not matter, I had no leadership, I was extremely selfish, I could never speak in front of a crowd because of how I talk, and even have made me feel like my testimony is not powerful or important when they never even knew it. These are some of the things I have been carrying for a long time. Even believing a lot if it. I always put up a front like I was ok. I honestly even thought it was. I accepted that that’s just how church will always be.
At debrief we had worship and a message on freedom. After for three nights we would stand up and say things we needed freedom from. The first night God revealed to me I needed freedom from feeling stupid because of how I talked and not having the greatest vocabulary. I then began to say to everyone I felt like I could not be a leader or speaker because of it. I explained how I was picked on and a little bit more of my story behind it. I didn’t want to stand up and tell everyone this! But I could feel the spirit telling me to. I want a strong boldness and I knew in order to receive that then this is something I had to do. So I did! It was GREAT! I felt freedom when I brought it to the light. The second night I was not there because I was sick. But the third night came. We talked about bringing things in the light and who we are in God. Another long story short, I realized everything I thought about myself was related to the effects of church leaders. I brought to light how I felt and yelled out I am not stupid, I am not worthless, my story is important, etc. I could feel the love of Christ just swallow me. But then I realized I have not forgiven the church or its leaders. I wanted complete freedom. I asked myself, do I really want to forgive them. Yes, I did. It was time to release that and have freedom. I then began saying things out loud like “I forgive the church for what they did to my family more than once, I forgive the pastors who have made me feel worthless, stupid, like my story wasn’t important” I began saying these things and kept on. Can I just say it was AWESOME FORGIVING THEM!
Here is the thing. I was completely wrong about the church.
I believe the church is a safe place for Christ followers and even unbelievers to come together to worship and learn about God, or people to come lay their junk out and know they are loved by God and the church (Christ followers), a place where true discipleship is important, to be able to call each other to higher things and be more like Christ.
LOTS of people have been church hurt. I had no freedom because of my hurt, un-forgiveness, and bitterness. I pray that pastors and leaders become more like Jesus and we do too. But its time for those that have been hurt to have freedom and pursue your calling and stop using the excuse the church hurt me or it’s a cult. God created the church! The church is good! As someone who has been in some leadership of the church and probably have hurt people myself. I am sorry! You are worthy, loveable, and your story is important! Don’t give up on the church! We need it. Instead pray for it and even in a loving way help make it like its was created to be! The Christian church does not need negativity. I know that’s easier said than done but I believe anything is possible with the Holy Spirit. Find a church but let the Lord lead you. Don’t just give up on them all together. This is just something God has placed on my heart and what I have been learning myself. I am learning so much on what the church should be and I am excited to see what God has in store!
