All throughout the world there are many testimonies pointing back to God’s redemptive love. This particular testimony is from a humble women whom I had the privilege of sitting with during my time in Nicaragua. She shared with me specific details of her story that the Lord has brought her through and things the Lord is still working with her through. She shared about the life she had growing up, the life she lived in her early adulthood and into the time she stepped into motherhood. She expressed struggles and hardships that she fell victim to during her childhood that carried on into her adulthood. Things like sexual abuse, abandonment, fears and other similar circumstances.
Going into her early adulthood she found herself in an unhealthy and abusive relationship. But due to her being victimized at an early age she did not know how to escape from this relationship. You see, for most of her life she found her value based on how others treated her, so for all she knew she was worth nothing more than the abuse. Later into her abusive relationship she found herself pregnant with a baby boy. She and her partner decided to keep the baby boy but he would not dare to have another one. About one year down the road she discovered she was pregnant again. With mixed emotions of fear and excitement she decided to bring the news to her partner, only to find out he would not approve. Her partner forced her into having the baby aborted. Without anyones knowledge besides her partners and her own she aborted the baby. The abusive relationship carried on, but this time there was a baby to take care of and the birth of a whole new guilt and shame from the abortion. For nearly three more years this was her life. Until the day she found out she was going to have another baby. But this time she made sure she was going to keep this one. After first telling all her friends and family she then went to her partner and told him that she was pregnant and he could do nothing about it. She then left that abusive relationship with her first son and the next on the way.
After her second son was born she found herself as a single mother with two kids and a lot of emotional baggage. But at last she was free from the abusive relationship that encumbered her for many years. It was about the time her second son was nearly 9 months old when she ran into a man who would soon become her husband and change the course of her life forever. Now, this man had also recently had a divorce with two kids. They fell in love and brought their two families together hoping for the best. Just a year into their marriage they discovered they were pregnant. They talked it over and came to the conclusion that they could not handle a fifth child. Finances were tight, living conditions were rough and it just would not work out. The doctors convinced them both that abortion would do no harm because, “its just a blob.” After discussing it over she made the decision to abort a baby for the second time.
For nearly 20 years she kept this secret and never mentioned of it again. But in those 20 years she had to deal with the guilt, shame and depression that so easily entangled her. She felt like she had to try and be the “perfect” mom to her other four kids to prove to herself that she did not fail and that she was worthy of being a mother. She felt for 20 plus years she was unworthy to be a mother and she did not deserve the children she did have because she had taken the lives of two of her other children.
But something great happened in her life for the first time in 20 years. She decided to fully give herself to God. She sat and told me how the Lord has redeemed her, how he has forgiven her and now it’s time for her to forgive herself. After going through an abortion recover class and surrendering her guilt and shame to the Lord, this humble women has been able to experience true freedom. She has been able to share her story with her children, with her church and has been offered to lead her own abortion recover class at a local ministry.
She recently wrote a letter to her two babies that she read during a memorial services she and her husband had for the babies. She had me read it and then I asked if I could share her story. She gladly approved and sent me a copy of her letter.
“My Precious Babies in Heaven,
I often think about you both and wonder if I hadn’t taken your life away what kind of person you would have become. Then one day I asked Jesus, to tell me your names. He gave me Don; which means World Leader and Carley; which means “Care Free Woman”, very independent and soft with a strong personality. You two are bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh.
Don you are 24 and Carley you are 19. I imagine you both as beautiful, strong, successful, dependent individuals. Don, I’m so glad that you were already there to greet your little sister and love on her.
I’m so sorry I missed out on both of your lives and I took so many life experiences away from you. I allow myself to wonder what it would have been like to meet you for the first time, to hold you in my arms, to see you smile, to kiss you goodnight, to read you bedtime stories, to watch your personalities unfold, to listen to your laughter coming from another room, to hear the sound of your footsteps, to dry your tears, to comfort you, to play with you and watch you play, to share your schemes and dreams, to watch you shine and be there to help you up when you fell – to have the privilege to be your Mommy?
I’m sorry I never gave you a chance in life. I want you to know that it had nothing to do with you. It was my own selfishness, I was only thinking about my current circumstances, my future and pleasing man.
For so many years, I shamed myself for the mistakes. I viewed myself as unworthy, undeserving, and dirty. But on the outside, I felt the need to be strong and, consequently, held as many of my tears at bay as I could, because I had a secret that no one could know about. I pushed my feelings and hurt so far down and just went on with life, pretending that all was good with me and in turn I tried to be the “perfect” mom to your brothers and sister, the perfect wife, seek approval from man and became a high achiever.
You, my precious children, have given me permission and the strength; through Jesus to begin again and live life as our Heavenly Father has planned. Even though I aborted you, you were wanted, you were chosen. For in
Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
You will never be forgotten, you will always be in my heart and God plans on using you both here on earth to help restore other women.
I can’t wait to see you in Heaven, to hold you and hug you and shower you with kisses.
You are my light that will forever shine.”
I share this testimony because I believe there are many women who share similar stories like this one. I share this because I believe testimonies of redemption have the power to change lives and to give hope to people who may have lost hope. If you are a women who has been struggling with shame and guilt based on situations similar to the ones shared in this testimony, I want you to know that there is a hope of freedom and change in your life.
