Fear of the unknown, fear of what is coming next, and fear of wanting to be in control. These are things that I keep bottled up on the inside. I don’t talk about them often but I want to invite you into my life.
When I was in high school I had the free flowing hippie style mentality in public. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. I was ready for what is next. A part of me is still like that. One of my “sayings” is “I will try anything, twice”. Even if I hate it the first time I want to just make sure a crazy variable didn’t happen and give the experience another try. This has caused me to eat weird foods, go on adventures, and live life more.
I am also an extrovert that gets all his energy from other people. The thought of being alone is the worst. I will do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen.
When I get alone all those things run through my mind. My heart starts racing, I become angered easily, and I am scared. This is a portion of my life right now.
My friends from high school are going to be graduating from college this year, I will not be. The community of guys I live life with all got promotions at their jobs or a new one recently. They are making great money and have the ability to have a more secure future. I have no direct desire to advance at my job and working long hours it taking a toll on me. The fear of not being like them makes me question if I am doing the right thing.
As I write this it is August 4th I have until August 15th to raise $3,000 more for my trip. I still need to clear out my debt in the next 30 days so I can leave the country in good standing, I still need a few more shots, I am missing a few pieces of gear I will need for the next year, my car is having problems and I need it for the next month to make it to work, and my family is going through financial issues and I have to help out. These are just a portion of the issues I am going through
I am in a state of despair, fear, and loneliness. I keep thinking of these things and I freak out and I don’t know what to do. I think about them and question why God is putting me through all of this? Why is does he want me to go on this trip? I am a guy from a small town called Goochland. I am a small fish in a big ole lake! My issues are very “first worldly”. What do I have to offer these people that I will see? They have experienced brokenness I cannot even imagine for my own life.
All these things I am scared and afraid of. They are deepest parts of my soul and subconscious that I have uncovered. They hurt to think about and are hard but even with these things happening I still find relief and solace in something that is bigger than these things of this world.
The Lord is teaching me about true, utter dependence. I have felt like I have been dependent on The Lord before with school matters, family, menial finances but all these things were so much smaller in comparison. He wants me to go on a kingdom journey where I will not know where I am, the culture, the food, the language, or where I will even lay my head at times.
Luke 9:23-25 Then he said to them, “If anyone will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever will save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My Sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet loses or forfeits himself?”
I want to run whole heartily into my relationship with the one who loves me. I want to deny the false self of mine and let me true self come through. I just want to grow closer and more dependent in what The Lord has planned for me.
I need to be in awe of what God has done, is doing, and will do in my life. That could be a crazy scramble to meet all my deadlines and see all the financial miracles happen in the next few weeks. Or it could me to rely on him leave the people I had crazy fellowship with at training camp, spend the next few months working a ton, and learning about being responsible at home before I embark around the world. I honestly don’t know what The Lord has planned for me. He could heal me of all my insecurities tomorrow or he could do it in 5 years.
After knowing Jesus for 5 years I am wondering what a Christian walk is and how does it play out for the rest of my life. A man full of wisdom names Brain Cooke told me that I had got it wrong.
There is no such thing as a general Christian walk. I have to figure out what mine is. I am beautifully and fearfully made by the creator of the universe. I am independent of others and he has a plan that is for me and for me alone. It is unlike any other and it is that way for everyone.
So here’s to not letting fear have a control on me. I would love to reach my deadline of 10,000 by August 15th. I need big time help and I invite you to experience full life with me and through Jesus as you follow my trip. If don’t reach my deadline I will email all donors and blog about what is next. The World Race is in my future, this I am sure of. Maybe I will leave in 30 days maybe it will be 4 months. It will only charge up my faith regardless of what is next. Thank you for praying for and for helping me see the heart of God. I hope this is an encouragement to your own life.
