“One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him.” – John 13:23
I have often wondered about the disciple whom Jesus loved. I always thought it was weird that John would refer to himself like that. He was around so many other disciples for 3 years during Jesus’ ministry. He saw Jesus’ love for all of them. He heard Jesus say “Love each other as I have loved you.” – John 15:12 He knew that Jesus loved each of them. He saw the special relationship that Jesus had with all the disciples. He saw Peter walk on water and Jesus save him as he began to drown. John saw so many things and so much of Jesus’ unconditional love for his disciples and all people but he still repeatedly claims throughout his gospel that he is the one whom Jesus loves.
At first I thought John was bold, or maybe he was just a little full of himself, or maybe Jesus really did tell him that He loved John more than the other disciples. But I don’t think that was really it. I think that John knew that Jesus loved him. John knew that he had a very special relationship with Jesus, with the Lord. John knew that Jesus loved all the disciples but also that John had his own special relationship with the Lord and that he held a very special place in Jesus’ heart. I think that John chose to walk in that identity and proclaim to the world “I know I am someone whom Jesus loves.”
For the first bit of this month of Thailand, between manual labor and playing with kids at the center where we are working, I have been preparing for the future. As strange as it seems, this month was a time to start getting things ready for what my life will look like going back home. Finding a place to live, finding a job, finding out what I was going to do, and trying to see what my life might look like after the Race is over.
As I started these plans I thought that it would be easier than it used to be. I thought that I was over this fear and stress about what is going to happen. I thought I had been through that enough to know that as they say in India, “Its okay.” I thought I had been over it enough to know that Jesus loves me, Jesus wants the best for me, and Jesus is going to take care of me.
However, after I had sent a couple emails and started planning for what I knew God had for me back home, I began to think about everything that could go wrong. I just got caught up on how things could fall through and how things weren’t certain and how I was too far away to make anything happen.
I became guilty of what I had always accused and been so frustrated about with the Israelites while they were wandering in the desert from Egypt to Canaan. I forgot what the Lord had done with me in the past. Well I hadn’t forgotten but I chose to put the Lord’s love and provision for me at the back of my mind and let my own fears cause me to stumble and take my eyes off the Lord. I started sinking.
Luckily, it was not as bad as it had been in the past. The Lord rescued me from sinking before I was even under water. I was stuck in my fears and thinking about how I could work my own way out when the Lord hit me. He reminded me about His love for me. He reminded me about His provision. He reminded me that I simply had to surrender my life to Him. I had to surrender my goals, my desires, and my dreams and let Him take lead in my life. When we surrender to the Lord and just give up and say, “Okay whatever you want that’s what I’ll do no matter what it looks like” then the Lord really starts to make things happen. Sometimes it is nothing like what we expected and sometimes it is exactly what we expected. Either way we needed to enact a little faith and let go of our illusion of control so God can work. I believe that the Lord simply wants us to exercise a little faith in Him and when we do, He loves to meet us where we are. Once I surrendered the Lord gave me opportunities and asked me to take them and to do my best to glorify Him through what I did with those opportunities.
We need to shift our perspective. We need to realize that we are the disciple that Jesus loves. We are a person who has a very special and personal relationship with the Lord that no one else has. We hold a very special place in the Lords heart. No matter what happens or what we are going through everything will be okay. The Lord will provide for us and give us the future He has for us because He loves us and He wants us to be happy. He wants us to glorify and enjoy Him forever. We need to learn from John and walk in the identity and confidence that we are dearly loved, protected by, and provided for by our Lord who loves us.
