“I’m out in the waves
I’m hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there’s an empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes life, most times I, feel just like a sailboat
But I’m not giving up
Oh I will move on forward
I’m gonna raise my sail
God knows what I’m headed towards”
These are lyrics from a song called “Sailboat” by the artist, Ben Rector. Being that I’m a musician, the Lord frequently uses music as a communication tool to change my heart posture. Below, I have taken a few stanzas and basically poured out what the Lord has been speaking to me through this song, personifying a Sailboat.
“I’m out in the waves”
Here in Myanmar, we have been working non-stop from ministry to ministry. The Lord is working in the hearts of numerous people at a rapid pace! Thank you Father! However, having an eager personality, I want to say “yes” to every door that is available. All throughout college, I struggled with over committing myself, which
resulted in never enjoying much of anything because of the business. Recently, healthy boundaries became an area the Lord has been gently ushering me into. I am learning that being busy isn’t always a good thing or the mark of success. A lot of the times it’s just saying “yes, yes, yes” without actually asking the Lord if He wants you to. I have realized there are many areas in my life where I let others push my boundaries, and then end up having multiple unhealthy relationships. I am learning that saying “no” is not mean or weak, it’s actually the opposite. Still, it’s one of the hardest lessons for me to transfer from my head to my heart. Every time I say “no” on the race, a wave of guilt washes over me and I feel like I have failed that person, or even God, for not being able to do one more thing. This month on the race, I feel like everyday is a new wave and it hits me hard.
“I’m hoping and praying please let this wind blow me home”
Because I have consistently operated under an unhealthy habit of saying “yes”, learning “no” makes me want to retreat and go to what’s comfortable; family. It makes me miss my sister above all else. She understands so much of the way I think and the easy thing to do is call her; my flesh wants to complain about people I don’t like or ways that I feel my boundaries are being pushed. Choosing not to call her as much brings out areas of the flesh I didn’t even know existed. Sometimes I wish the Lord would have called me to something easier, that the wind would just blow me home to a place of comfort.
“Night after night there is an empty horizon and my God do I feel so alone”
Still, the Lord gives me a supernatural strength to push through and keep pressing into saying “no” to things when my plate is full. Spending time with the Father is honestly my favorite part of the day, because in that space, I know the One I am talking with has nothing but good things in store for me. God is a good Father who delights in His children coming to Him and telling Him what’s going on (even though He already knows). Unfortunately, this creates a lot of loneliness. Nights are usually the hardest, wanting to go home or just cry out to God, “Why!” If you know me at all, you know I love to talk (haha). I feel like a bright sun wanting to wake up the world but for some reason isn’t rising. God created us to be in relationships with people, so not having that is like starving me. It’s amazing how you can be surrounded by people, yet feel like you are the only one there.
“But I’m not giving up, oh I will move on forward”
Loneliness is something of the devil not of my Heavenly Father. So I continue to press on and commune with Him and my team. They are the people God has chosen to use to make me more like Him, and though my flesh fails and wants to quit, God has called us higher. I’m not going to give up because He has already won the battle for me! I’m going to move forward and press into what He has in store for me.
“I’m gonna raise my sail, God knows what I’m headed towards”
I serve an amazing God who is victorious over ALL things! So every morning that I wake up, I raise my sail and once more, enter the rocky waters. I raise my sail because I know I don’t have to lead. I don’t have to bear the burden of where to go or what to do. I already have a captain who predestined my life before the foundation of the earth. I raise my sails, knowing that He will take me to waters that I can overcome through His strength.
