I haven’t done this[journaled; blogged; wrote; created] in a while
I’ve been avoiding it for longer than I would like to admit
Why have I been avoiding it? I’m not fully sure. Because I’m afraid.
I am afraid of what I will find if I just let the words flow on the page and stop thinking so vigorously about crafting the perfect phrase, sentence, or lesson. I haven’t let myself release.
It’s like I have been holding my breath for so long that I don’t even remember what an exhale feels like. My body starts to shake a little in fear and there is a burning in the back of my throat because I have been holding on too tightly instead of just letting it GO.
I’ve been processing a lot, learning so much, being transformed and made new by my beautiful and mysterious Creator. I’ve been crafted and molded, pruned and stripped, and breathed into with love.
LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE that I don’t even know what to do with it.
Honestly I have been desperately avoiding God’s love. It’s as if it’s sitting on the other side of the room growing and expanding and I am turning my back to it, sinking into a ball on the ground, desperately hiding from the truth that is radiating and filling the expanse behind me and around me. It’s swirling and growing and multiplying and moving, simply because the Father is breathing onto it.
But I don’t didn’t want to look at it or acknowledge it. Because I feared it. I was afraid that if I accepted this love that was so blatantly taking over and consuming me to the point that I was drowning gasping for air with aching lungs, that if I tried to inhale the beautiful fragrance and truth of it as soon as it hit my lungs it would dissipate and turn to poisonous acid because I don’t didn’t deserve the fresh air.
That’s not true, though.
I do deserve that love.
The love of the father that shows itself in the way he provides for me; in the hugs that I receive from my ‘family’ here; in the songs he sings over me that echo in the wind; in the warmth and peace I feel in his presence; in the clarity of his voice; in the words he gives me to sing out to him.
He pours his love over me so much that I feel I am drowning.
I’ve been afraid that if I recognize this love and dive into it’s all encompassing wetness that I will not survive. That my frail body and heart wouldn’t withstand it.
But that’s not the reality.
My heart can withstand it because it’s already living in it.
My mind has simply closed off circulation from my heart and suffocated itself from reality.
So I decided to change that.
Spring is the season of transition & I am ready for what’s coming soon. I can’t wait to see what life bursts forth from the downpour that has been released in the winter. Because God is doing a new thing.
And I am excited.
I am still in need of partial funding for my last few months of CGA. I currently need $450 for next month ASAP to continue with this program. If you feel led to support me feel free to click the support me tab on the side of my blog. Thanks.
