329/351 = 93.7%
That is the percent of my engagement that I will spend on the World Race. 329 out of 351 days. I proposed to Bekah on 2015/06/26 (she said, “YES!”), reported to Launch on the 27th, will return home on 2016/05/21, and will get married 21 days later, on June 11!
I know what you’re thinking, and you absolutely are correct, my fiancee IS incredible. Feel free to tell her that. Tell her how impressed you are with her strength, patience, faith, love, etc. in supporting me on this endeavor. Tell her what an inspiration she is to you. It’s nice to be recognized once in a while. She doesn’t do it for your recognition. She doesn’t even do it for me. She does it because she loves the God that we serve. But a little encouragement can be a gift from God sometimes.
From the Beginning
When I started courting Bekah, I told her that I was giving serious consideration to a program called the World Race. I told her about the Race; I told her that I would be out of the country for nearly a year. Her response effectively was: “I won’t be excited for you to be away for a year, but this clearly is what God has called you, and I think you should do it.” In that moment, she eliminated any reservations that I had about our relationship, and the last hesitation that I had regarding the Race. So from the beginning of our relationship, we’ve known that the Race was coming.
Communication
Before the Race, Bekah and I decided that we would have a phone call once a week. We have managed to stick fairly close to that. Sometimes we are able to connect more. Internet in SE Asia was really good. Sometimes a host will have internet available where I am staying, which has been really nice for us to be able to connect more frequently. (Internet at home also can be dangerous because it can become a distraction from the team community that we are trying to cultivate on the Race.)
Occasionally, it’s a little longer than a week before we are able to catch up. Around the world, in poorer, less-developed areas, internet can be hard to come by, and spotty when you do find it. Africa probably was the biggest struggle. Two months of limited connectivity. In Zambia, my team was in a small town where the only internet was a hardwire connection, so I could not use my own device, which meant that I couldn’t use FaceTime/iMessage, my Facebook and Google accounts had double authentication enabled, so I couldn’t use either of those, and for the first few weeks we couldn’t get Skype to work on the computers at the cafe. So Bekah and I spent an hour or so sending emails back and forth. In South America, the larger cities generally had decent internet, but in the less-developed areas, it could be difficult to find. In Bolivia, the team I was with had a similar setup to my experience in Zambia – I had unlocked my Google account, so we were able to do Google Hangouts, when the headphones/microphone were working… (I recognize that I am talking about comforts and luxuries. I realize that even 20 years ago, cellphones and internet were nascent technologies. My intent is not to generate sympathy for my plight, it simply is to inform.)
What does this mean? We have had to learn how to communicate clearly and effectively. There is not time to be vague or indirect. Especially when we are not able to have video or audio – so much of communication is in body language and tone, both of which are lost in text or email (or blog). Because of this, we also have had to learn to give one another the benefit of the doubt, to assume the best. When something comes across in a potentially negative way, we’ve had to learn how to assume that was not intended message, and ask for clarification.
Quality Time
Recently, Bekah and I read The Five Love Languages. Bekah is off the charts in Quality Time. It is my second-to-last. That says that our calls mean a lot more to Bekah than they do to me. I enjoy and look forward to them, but that simply isn’t the way that I receive love. To me they are an opportunity for us to catch up, chat about what’s going on in our lives, and plan the wedding; to Bekah they are the only form of quality time that we have right now. This also means that the separation of the Race has been more difficult for Bekah than it has been for me. It hasn’t been easy for me, but it has been more difficult for her. I’m a slow learner, but this experience has given me a unique opportunity to see exactly how important quality time is for Bekah.
Love is a Choice
As the importance of quality time to Bekah (slowly) sinks in, I am learning that love is a choice. I must choose to love Bekah, and I must do it in a way that she will receive. I cannot expect the warm fuzzies that accompanied our calls when I was courting her to carry my love through the rest of our lives. There are times that I have to choose to love her and call her when it’s not convenient for me. There certainly have been times (more than I’d like to admit) when I did not protect our time as well as I should have. But I am thankful to be learning, so early in our relationship, what love looks like as a choice, rather than simply an emotion.
Flexibility
In reality, there have been (several) times when something has changed suddenly and unexpectedly (aka I’m on the World Race), and I have been unable to call Bekah when I was supposed to. Both of us have had to learn how to be flexible; how to roll with the punches; how to adjust when circumstances dictate.
Inclusion
Bekah is a far more relational person than I am. It’s one of the things that I love about her. She loves people so well (perhaps that’s why God called her to be a pediatrician). She cares deeply about people, knows how to show it, and does. I’m an engineer. I like people and I enjoy social interaction. But I simply don’t get people the way Bekah does.
This is why Bekah has done such a good job of keeping up with my teammates and squadmates. Reading blogs and sending encouragement (and brownies!). There even has been a time or two when she knew about something that a squadmate was going through before I did. She prays constantly for our squad, and many of my squadmates have prayed for and prophesied over her. Some even have said that Bekah feels like a part of the squad.
Getting to spend a few minutes with the squad was a gift that God knew we needed. Early on in the Race, Bekah commented that she struggled with feeling like she was not a part of my life this year – a completely valid emotion, but I didn’t have the slightest idea of what to do about it.
Then came New York. On our way from Malaysia to Ecuador, our squad had a 23-hour layover in NYC. Some of us had family and friends come to visit us (which was a whole ordeal in and of itself thanks to winter storm Jonas). Bekah came with my parents to see me. Which also meant that she got to spend some time with the squad. Seeing her interact with my squadmates gave me great pride – how genuinely she cared about them, even though she knew them only from blogs and Facebook posts. Seeing how they interacted with her was heartwarming – how much they appreciated her and welcomed her into the family. After that interaction, Bekah told me that it helped her to realize how much a part of my life she really is.
That statement meant the world to me. Honestly, before the layover, I was excited to see her and my parents, but there was a tiny part of me that was disappointed that I wouldn’t be going the full 11 months without seeing them. That seemed like a more impressive story to tell one day. After she told me how much the layover had meant to her, that thought was wiped out completely.
My Sisters
I remember it distinctly. It was month 2. I was sitting against the wall of the one of the mission houses in Draganesti, Romania with my sister, Peyton. P-Rex asked me about being engaged on the Race. That is when I realized what an incredible opportunity I have in my hands.
Prior to the Race, I struggled to maintain close relationships with single women because that close relationship would develop into romantic feelings, and then I would make it awkward and impossible for my female friend to maintain. (Ladies, can I get an “amen”?)
As I mentioned, I got engaged immediately prior to the Race. So the Race is my first experience as a man in a committed relationship. And I’m on a squad that is roughly 85% female.
The Race has been an incredible opportunity for me to learn how to have healthy, God-honoring relationships with women who are not my wife. I don’t have any biological sisters (though I will gain two sisters-in-law in June!), so it has been really cool to live with 40 sisters this year. And not only having close female friends, but living in close community with my sisters.
I Wish…
Traveling the world for 11 months is an experience like no other. If I didn’t wish that Bekah was here with me, it would be a pretty serious red flag. The number of times is astronomical that I have thought “I wish Bekah could see this,” or “I wish Bekah had heard that,” or “I wish Bekah could have been part of this,” or “I wish Bekah was here.”
Wedding Planning
I timed the proposal perfectly so that I would be out of the country for the bulk of the wedding planning, and return after everything had been arranged already.
I jest. That wasn’t intentional, but was a side effect of how things worked out. Fortunately, Bekah has two older sisters, who both are married, so they’ve been through this rodeo before. Her parents have been great in helping to make preparations – shout out to Mr. Richard and Mrs. Virginia! (My parents have been great also, doing everything that they can to help, but the reality is that the bulk of the planning falls on the family of the bride.)
Through all of it I have tried to be as present as I can. When we are able to communicate, Bekah will ask for my thoughts on the topic at the time, and we’ll discuss it. Many times, I don’t have much of an opinion, so the work that she already has done (yes, already has done) becomes the selection.
I wish that I could convey my appreciation and admiration for her diligence in this process. And even though I have not been present for some of the things that I know she dreamed about doing together, never once has she made me feel guilty for not being there. In fact, when I am down on myself for not being with her, she tells me that she knows that I am where God has me right now, and she would not have it any other way. Am I blessed or am I Blessed?
Lifelong Investment
Over the course of the past several months, we have read various books and articles on marriage. My married squadmates, Ralph & Esther, recommended For Men Only and For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, an excellent pair of insights. Ultimately, it has been an awesome opportunity for us to learn and prepare as we approach the biggest commitment we’ll make in this lifetime.
Temptation
An unintentional benefit of our situation has been the distinct lack of temptation. While we had discussions about temptation and boundaries very early on in our relationship, the enemy has no respect for those conversations. Neither of us has any intention of giving in to those temptations, but just to be safe, I left the hemisphere. By the time I return, we will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We only have to keep our hands to ourselves for three more weeks. Much easier than 50 weeks.
How Cool is God?
Throughout this experience, God has shown me His faithfulness on numerous occasions. He has given several people words of encouragement for us. He has given each of us visions of our future. One morning, I asked God if He had scripture for me, and within moments, Bekah emailed me with a verse.
Since I am headed to Boston for grad school, Bekah began applying for residencies in Boston. We asked God to grant us this desire, and He told me very early on that He would match Bekah in Boston. Over the next few months, He confirmed to Bekah in numerous ways that He would match her in Boston. In March, we found out that Bekah indeed matched in Boston!
Closing Remarks
Spending this year separated from my fiancée has been challenging, yet rewarding. We have had an incredible and unique experience – one that I would not trade. I certainly am ready to be reunited with my love, but I so appreciate the experience and the lessons learned over this year.
