As I start to write this blog post I must confess I am not really sure which direction it will go. You see I graduated from college two days ago, and amidst all the change and moving pieces in my life right now, I am experiencing such a wide range of emotions that writing this is as much, if not more, of a way to process for myself as it is to update you all on my life.
Almost 4 years ago my parents dropped me off in Blacksburg, VA and left me there. I had no idea what to expect. I felt like I had everything in my life figured out. I really enjoyed high school and loved all the relationships and memories I had made there. There was a sense of security in my life. That was at least until I saw my parents drive away. All of a sudden my life was entirely different. I tried to put on a brave face and embrace it all, but inside I was a mess. What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be? These questions raced through my head constantly.
It’s funny to me to think back to that time. I have loved college. It has been the best four years of my life to this point. I have made more memories, developed deeper friendships, and had more fun than I could have ever imagined. However, those are not how I define my time at Virginia Tech. For me, college more than anything else was a time of unprecedented growth and discovery in my life. You see those questions I asked the first week of college were questions that I had always had in my life, I just had hid behind the known, the comfortable and the routine in my life and never acknowledged them.
Well thank God that I was put in a position that I had to start addressing them and more importantly, surrounded by people who loved me enough to really dig deep with me to find out the answers. College was a fresh start. I didn’t have to be who anyone else wanted me to be, but in all that, I wanted to know my true identity. At my very core ‘who am I?’. This wasn’t a question that was answered overnight. It took a lot of long conversations and about half a dozen journals to really figure it out, but after stripping away all of the excess, all of the labels that I and the world had put on myself, I was finally able to boil it down to the very essence of who I was.
I was and am a son of the Most High God.
Before anything else that is who I am. This identity shift changed everything. Suddenly there was no more striving to prove my worth. My value was inherent and unchangeable and not at all based on what I could produce or achieve, but what was done for me by Jesus on the cross. There was incredible freedom and life in this discovery. The highs and lows of life seemed to lose their power because of my identity that transcended all that the world could throw at me.
But there was still the question of now that I know who I am, what do I do? I could no longer just go through the daily routine of life like before. There was new purpose in everything that I did. I was told to ask myself “what breaks my heart”. The asking of that question led me to volunteer as a Young Life leader where I led at Christiansburg High School for 3.5 years of college. I did this because I wanted to get to share with high school students, like myself, who were aimlessly walking through life that they had a grand identity and purpose that was greater than they could ever imagine. I learned and grew so much through leading, but all the while I kept asking myself ‘what breaks my heart?’ Pretty soon I was on a plane to Haiti, then I was on a plane to Togo and then I was applying to the World Race. I never imagined myself doing any of these sort of things before, but as I grew into a deeper understanding of who I was, they all seemed to be the natural next step.
You would think that as I am about to embark on a season of unprecedented change in my life that there would be some level of fear or at least uneasiness comparable to move-in day freshman year of college, but there really hasn’t been. Are there mixed emotions and sadness about leaving people and things I love here in America for a whole year? Absolutely. But as I have continued to trust the identity of who I am and follow what the Lord has put on my heart, I have developed a deeper confidence in His goodness and faithfulness. I know this next year will be crazy and filled with the good, the bad and the unexpected, but I have learned it doesn’t really matter what happens because what happens can never change who I am. That is a peace and security I will take with me to all 11 countries and wherever life carries me after that.
