"Sometimes, working in a third world country makes me feel like I'm
emptying the ocean with an eyedropper."
This perfectly describes how I felt when we first arrived at SCH (Sarah's Covenant Home in India). I spent a few more nights than I care to admit, quietly crying on the not-so-comfortable comfort of my sleeping mat.
I KNOW God is alive and active! I KNOW He can heal–I've seen Him do it and heard countless stories of His love in action. I've known Him so intimately that even had I not experienced and seen Him do it, I would still believe He could. I also know that sometimes, He doesn't. But this was not one of those times when I could bring myself to accept that.
The physical conditions of these little ones are what originally brought me to tears. It was, however, hearing the stories behind some of their conditions, scars, tears, and fears that broke me. Not in the sad, helpless way as before; in the angry way. Who on Earth could do these things? God, why didn't you intervene?! They are here now, they are loved and safe, they smile and laugh and play–but why did you wait?! The thought, or rather the knowledge in the back of my mind only made me more confused and angry, "He was with them even then." No! Because I know the God I serve and He has the power to crush their abusers on the spot! Wouldn't He have done that?! Why not?!
He didn't.
The long-time, neverending prayer of my heart has been to be closer to God's heart; to know and understand Him and His love more. I finally realize He has been answering this prayer. It was not my own tears, it was not my heart breaking or my own anger over these injustices. I don't have the capacity to love like that. We live in a world given over to darkness… to injustice, pain, and despair. God's heart broke. it burned with Holy anger. He did reach down and comfort these kids… HIS kids. He brought them out of the despair they faced and He will deal personally with their abusers. He rescued them and I can see now that He truly is healing them. Not in the way I had hoped or expected, but the kind that they need. The kind that starts in the heart and spirit and grows to shine out of their little, bright, joy-filled eyes.
I still don't completely understand. But I know my God. And I know that His heart is for these children, some of His favored ones. He loves them so much that He sent a team from across the world just to wipe tears and snot from their faces; to play with their hair and cuddle and sing to them. He filled these people with a love that only God and His Spirit can give and poured it out on those little lives He is so fond of. So I will never stop praying to be closer to His heart. So close that its beating will shake me to the core. I know now that my purpose is not only to be His hands and feet, but to first cry His tears, mourn His loss, and only then can I understand how He desires to love.
