I tried not to look at the screen as I explained what had been going on the past couple of days. I wasn’t sure how my parents would respond. God has brought our family through so much in so many areas; it blows my mind and melts my heart every time I think about it! So why did I have to share this with them? Why bring up the past that we’ve all been longing to and succeeding in growing away from? It was my fault anyway for never dealing with these hurts; they shouldn’t have to deal with them. But God, after bringing these issues in my heart along with the weight they’ve had in my relationships, my view of myself, and the way I believed others viewed me, made it clear that this was not something I could get rid of on my own.
The Story:
“Why are you apologizing?” “Why do you keep saying sorry?” “We’re going to make a ‘sorry-jar’ for every time you say it!” I heard these comments from my team the ENTIRE month. But I was so used to it. It’s been a joke with friends, co-workers, and for a while, it’s been how I’ve branded myself. “I’m just a sorry person!” “I was made to be sorry!” I learned not to focus of the anxiety that flooded me every time a apologized because with each apology came so much fear. I was so desperate not to offend. After all, you never know when that one offense is going to be what pushes someone into a rage or out of your life. I started labeling myself in my mind as someone who struggles with anxiety, I decided that I naturally upset, offend, and generally annoy people and that was just something I had to work on. So I did. And I did a great job. I could push someone away in the form of a hug. I have become an expert at tearing down walls in other people’s lives and using the bricks left behind to strengthen my own. It’s all about letting those around you feel loved and free, but make sure you’re keeping yourself safe. Pour out on people, and receive love and wisdom from them while it’s there, but don’t think it’ll last. Prepare yourself, keep your distance, and you’ll be golden! A lot of this I now see stemmed from wounds from the past in which the situations or outside offenses had been long since dealt with and forgiven, but behind that forgiveness I held a bitterness against all of those people for my inability to forgive myself. All of this only added to the way I saw myself. I held offenses still against others for the way that I saw myself. In my eyes I was an average girl who happened to struggle with being overweight, acne, social awkwardness, anxiety, and guilt.
This was all called to light (against my will, but I’m thankful) at debrief. And while it was so freeing to talk with my team and with the girls about these things and the past behind them, God brought me to this point, of talking it out with those I held in bondage of my own offense.
I finished talking and looked at my Skype screen. Both of my parents were crying–which is what I desperately wanted to avoid. But what came next, I was not prepared for. Both of my parents took turns forgiving me for never being open with them and trusting them with these wounds, they apologized for more than they needed to, and spoke so much life over me! I have thought that my family had come so close the past few years, but God, in that moment brought us so much closer! Even with my being half way across the Earth! We all prayed together before we had to hang up.
This may seem unrelated to the Race and ministry but I KNOW there are people that this can and needs to encourage! I can’t believe that I held onto those wounds for so long and it angers me now, finally knowing this freedom, that I allowed myself to stay in that bondage! Not just stay in it but brand myself by it! I thought it was enough that God would redeem my past and heal my family in every area! But that’s not enough for God. He loves you so much that He wants nothing but complete healing and freedom for you in every part of your life! Even the ones that are so hidden and you’re so terrified of revealing that you think you would rather stay where you’re at! I hope this speaks to you in some way! Yes, YOU!
Boldly and without regret,
Dresdyn (and family)
