May 21, 2012 God broke me at training camp at White Georgia. The session that the speaker was talking about was grieving. Where in my mind I was thinking run or find some excuse to get out of the area. But knowing it was not the right thing to do. I stayed and listened to the speaker and took notes. At the end of the session he was saying in this room people in here need to grieve the right way.
So everyone is quite and closing their eyes. I am thinking, alright let’s get this thing done and over with and move on. My eyes were closed and listening around me people where crying and you know what, I became the next crier. The tears came and things were just starting. I had a teammate pray for me and then I stopped but God was just getting started. I started crying again and then I stopped while another teammate prayed for me. So thinking to myself okay I am good the tears are gone there is nothing else left. However, I was wrong it happened all over again.
A leader came and said let go of everything in your past. Part of me was thinking what in the world is happening. God told her there was more to it and to help me open up and that it is okay to be broken. So it hit me that there was more to it than I thought. So I did open up and let God break me.
I had held 14 and half years of grief about the death of my father. When you are 13 years old you do not know how to grieve. You just go on with life going to school, doing homework and playing sports to keep busy. Not realizing that you are going to grow up in life fatherless and losing your childhood since now you will become more independent. Trying to be that good kid for your mother since now she is a single parent. Also being her support and letting her know she is not alone.
I realized that I was grieving for everything. The tears were finally flowing for the death of my father, the loss of a childhood and being the supporter for my mother. That my heavenly father took my face and said child I know you by name and you’re my beautiful princess and your mother will be fine. Keep focus on this journey and let go of everything. At that moment to my surprise I was standing and lifting my hands up and screaming the word FATHER. By doing that I let go of everything and allowing my heavenly Father in that I was able to feel his warm embrace. That I am no longer fatherless, in charge of my mother and my childhood is free. I was once broken and now I am loved and forever loved by my Father.
