For this whole month the Lord has been wrecking my life. I've been pulled, pushed, stretched more than I ever have in my entire life. These have been some of the hardest yet greatest days of my life. I never thought month one would be when I got to work through all my junk, but hey better now than later, right?
Here's a bit of my past I would like to share with you.
On and off since I was in 7th grade to my freshman year in college I struggled with depression and cutting myself. I've still struggled with the depression but by the grace of God, he has taken away the cutting. I've still been tempted by it but He hasn't let me fall back into that trap.
Since launch the Lord has been working on me to release that part of my life to Him. To be free from all the hurt and pain it has caused me. I'll be honest with you, I've seen glimpse of this freedom and let me tell you those have been my greatest days by far this month, maybe even in my life. Looking into to that special place has been hard. I've had to fight with God, Satan, and myself. It's a never ending fight. But knowing that God is my secret weapon is great. We can never lose with Him on our side.
This past week has been incredibly hard for me. It all started when I shared my testimony with a few of my squad mates coming back from our weekend at the lake. They had pushed in about the cutting and at that time I was fine with it. Something I've always struggled with is talking about this time in my life. So I figured why not be open about it for once. But little did I know those questions opened up my mind to wonder and I started thinking about cutting for the first time in a while. My thoughts would soon be consumed with it.
By Tuesday morning I had slipped into a depressed state that affected not only me but my whole team. It's weird how one person can change a group of seven high energy, loud, crazy girls to a somber, non-talking group. Tuesday through Thursday were days from hell for me. All I wanted was to be by myself and not interact with anyone but when you are living with 60 other people that's pretty much impossible. Which was a total blessing. If you've never experienced depression or being around someone who is suffering from it the last thing that person needs it to be by themselves, isolated in their thoughts. Every waking moment Satan told me I wasn't good enough, that I was a failure for even thinking about cutting, that God loved my less for what I was feeling, and so many more. The sad thing is that I believed every single one of them.
Through all this I can see the Lord shine his perfect light in these dark places. These times give me hope for the days to come. One game that my team plays almost everyday is called Little Happies. This is where we go around and just say things that make us happy or bring joy to our day. Here are a few of my little happies form the past week.
-chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast today
-laughing so hard with the team we all end up on the floor crying
-having life and truth spoken over me
-seeing the joy of faces of the children we worked with all week
-eating American food
-Mary B wanting to speak Parseltongue as her spiritual gift
-barney pinatas
-finding my tent filled with balloons for my birthday
-Abby's hamster story
-hearing God tell me how much he loves me
Those are just a few that God has given me during this hard week. I know that this season isn't over yet, but I know that there is so much grace and love during this time. And I love being able to see the beauty in all of the messiness.
" For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine POWER to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2 Cor 10:3-5
I am sharing my story to take another step in breaking the stronghold in my life and as encouragement to those who are struggling. Be thankful by the small, constant gifts that God gives and the acknowledge the strength in His word. His promises stand forever and His mercies are new everyday.
