Shadow Bound [Part 1]

 

               If I am to be transparent and open in this blog and throughout this journey I must share the victories and beauty of ministry as well as the internal struggles and questions that arise. I write this blog in hope that it may challenge you in your walk, or at the very least that it will spark you to say a prayer for me. Brace yourself loved ones, it is going to sound dark for a while, but it is my best attempt at accurately conveying my heart at this time. I believe there is a spectrum of light waiting on the other side.

                Never in my life have I heard God’s voice more clearly or sensed his presence more mightily than this December. As odd as it sounds, it has brought on an onslaught of internal questions and struggles. It is not that he has challenged me to change anything in particular or pointed something out that might be decelerating depth; no, in fact it is quite the opposite. He has taken me deeper, breaking the boundaries of the mind and expanding my comprehension of his grandness. When I should be reverent and tinged with awe, I am left with a feeling of insufficiency. Either I am not doing enough, (reading scripture, praying, serving others, spending time alone etc…), or I am doing it wrong.  Satan can surely prey on these thoughts and even catalyze them at times, scripture says;

“Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

But God has given me the ability to recognize his attacks.

“…so that we may not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.”

 2 Corinthians 2:11

These thoughts come from a different enemy. This enemy comes from within and can be just as treacherous as Satan himself.  His name is me. Have you ever heard the expression “I am my own worst enemy?”

Paul says when writing to the Romans,

“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” Romans 7: 15-19

 

                I have heard God’s voice with regularity and reverberating force this month, yet I am left with a feeling of apathy. I feel empty when I speak and I lack compassion for God’s passions.  Although the power of his presence could easily bring my body to a trembling halt, He has gently taken me to new depths this month, subsequently surfacing this realization about myself. I should be flying, but I am tied to the ground. I am trapped in the shadow of insufficiency. I am never doing enough. Something interesting about this shadow is it is the clearest when light is the brightest. It needs God just as much as I do. It feeds on my realization that it is there. For example, a thought that I am not praying enough could quickly compound into a thought of, if I really loved God I would pray this much or this way, which could be further compounded into a comparison to others or people from scripture and the way they pray. There was a point last week when the mental battle climaxed and I was greatly burdened, the Lord comforted me with these words;

“Do you love me son?” I answered, “God you know my heart, with everything.” He then said, “You’re doing just fine. I know it hurts and I know it is hard, but walk it off and walk it out in faith. We will work on some stuff in time. “

 

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him.” 1 Peter 1:6-8

 

“Jesus Answered, “The most important is, Hear O Israel; The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” Mark 12: 29-30

This has eased the burden, but the question remains the same. How do I kill me?!?

Dear dark reflection,

Anchored to the ground,