I once worked for the National Park Services as a Historical Museum Technician. I spent 55 hours a week recording historical database. It was a “no excuses” sort of job. Your position rested day to day on the quality of work you provided. When working with documents dealing with American History there is no room for error.
My boss once said to a co-worker “Excuses only make sense to the one making them.” What does this basically paraphrase to in my mind? “Take responsibility for your faults and don’t point your finger too far from your own chest.”
I have had many jobs but working for the American Government changed my work ethic. Hearing that said drastically changed my own views in life, as well as how I worked in the jobs following.
We have this system with my missions organization (AIM), I have spoken about before, called “feedback”. People are trained to have an open door policy when it comes to giving and receiving feedback. It is acceptable at all times and encouraged. After five months of feedback it has become my language. My mind never festers on questions of “what is this person really thinking?” or “Can I tell them my emotions towards their actions?”
What the combination of the two stories produces is a hybrid of taking a person really seriously and not making excuses for the pain or conflict I have caused. When approached with feed back such as ” I would encourage you not to volunteer people for jobs even if it’s something you know they would love.” or “balance music making with team bonding.” I don’t fight. There is most likely 1% of truth in it even if I disagree with 99% of the statement. Making a mental note and praying about that issue becomes the solution.
Why am I so excited to share this information with you? Well, because I read this science article, from The Business Insider ( I like reading random stuff), about marriage this morning and what makes marriages work. One statement they made was that thriving married couples had less negative brain activity when asked about their marriage. Less festering issues and more peace, love, and selflessness. This is the point where I said “ah ha! Feedback!”
‘” Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”‘
I had a moment of relief flood my heart. Jesus is slowly redeeming some of the most broken pieces of my heart through living like Jesus, ministry, and our lifestyle. I was always a little scared of being in a destructive marriage one day, I am not even going to lie. My parents sadly never made it and I watched my family fight a lot of horrible battles. But, after five months of intentional growing I smile at my heart being put back together by my Jesus.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
oh feedback…
I’m joyful my family was broken. Because, then I wouldn’t have a heart so big for street kids and children’s homes. Nor would I have been able to see how Jesus could redeem my heart. He is a warrior that fights for me and puts me in situations where I can live life and life to the fullest.
Maybe even more than that love life and live in the fullest type of love.
I am really happy right now.
Because Papa fights for me.
Because He wants what is best for me.
Because He pursues me.
