The choices I make are not for the sake of radical living or to prove anything. The Lord does not need me to prove his power. But rather finally accepting something He has for me (and all believers), that once scared me. Accepting that he said “go and make disciples of all nations” knowing that there is a level of physical comfort that would be lost in that calling. Knowing one day I may loose my life or even my future family will see the hand of death in a village or tribe somewhere. To live a constant life with out the comforts of American “comfort” and “freedom” but know in my spirit I am at peace and my hope is found in The Lord. In today’s world I find my comfort dwindling in the things that fade…in the physical freedom America offers. I live a life as a woman with education and the ability to be successful and respected. But even in that, my comfort is not found. I sit in the pews of Church and my mind unravels into thoughts (I write down)such as, “I began to look at the Church and wonder… have we become so uncomfortable in living in the world’s most “comfortable”country we feel the need continue to change the gospel and our lives to fit our level of comfort? We have begun to change our views of God who is all knowing and all powerful to the god who is blind and mute. What he says is now our option, choice, and right to change. We vote on what scripture we want to live by because it makes us uncomfortable,just as we vote for president. Perhaps our uncomfortable anxiousness is deriving from the fact that we have stripped God of his deserved respect and he has turned his face from our ignorance. What is a faith that is stripping itself away? What will stand if all is changed when The Lord constant, never changing?”… I read my own writings and God convicts me. I stare at my own pen marks and feel as though I did not make them.
There is much I have begun to accept… And yet, I have only skimmed the surface. I wake from night terrors on some nights. Even in my dreams I now find myself teaching the gospel and being tormented and challenged. But when I wake I am washed over with peace because I know The Lord is making me ready.
