I love and almost adore music in a very obsessive romantic kind of way. I crave harmonies and musical structure to the point where I feel like crying when I can’t sing with people or graze my hands across an instrument during my day. I stare at inanimate objects and wonder if they could make a musical sound what they would sing. Most people look at a light and think, cool light. I look at a light and hear music.
Rewind.
I was walking down a gravel road with about four other girls when I was in 9th grade. They all had gorgeous voices. Beautiful. I mean like I wished I could sing high and sweetly like them. They were all in the high school worship band I tried out for and didn’t make. I got excited and asked if I could sing with them. Having never sang with people before I tried my best to mimic what I knew. My whole life I had heard my mom and sister sing… Sopranos… high octaves flowed out of their pipes. So as I walked with those girls I tried singing high. Everyone sang together for a while and I was so excited, my dreams to sing with people were coming true… ” Devon, stop.” ” Just don’t ever sing again.”
I never forgot that girl’s comment.
Never sing again.
Just don’t ever sing again.
Fast forward.
” Devon, Emma is going to play keys this Sunday you come on my left side, your singing.”
Just don’t ever sing again.
“Is that ok?”
“Yeah”
I responded as I took the mic in my hand.
Just don’t ever sing again.
“You sure?”
“Yes”
Rewind.
“Devon come into the practice room with me and I am going to check your range so you know where to sit. ” It was my senior year of high school and I had this wild idea maybe chorus would help me figure out how to sing.
Just don’t ever sing again.
“Alto”
Oh, so I can’t sing high because God didn’t make me a soprano. Well that’s interesting.
“I want you to sing for the senior recital”
Just don’t ever sing again
“No thanks.”
Fast-forward.
“Alright Emma you ready?”
My mind started going, woah woah stop I can’t sing!
We practiced all the songs, I sang. Then Mike walked up to me. “Do you want to sing in our folk band?”
Just don’t ever sing again.
“I love folk! Ok”
“Why did you say yes?”you may ask.Well because I love music, it soothes my soul. It doesn’t stop that girls voice from coming into my head and slapping down compliments when they are given to me. It’s something I will never forget. But I can’t stop wanting to sing. I want to sing every minute of my day.
Tonight.
… Tonight I sang for International Christian Fellowship and there was a guy in the back. After we finished our practice run my friend called me over to him. I had no clue who he was.
He was a music producer. He told me I had a folksy sound to my voice and encouraged me to basically own my voice.
Just don’t ever sing again.
“We will record you soon.” He said.
Just don’t ever sing again.
“Ok.”
Just don’t ever sing again.
I got home overwhelmed from a long week and my mind being mean to myself so sat at my desk and flipped my I-phone recording app on and plugged in my ear buds. After a deep breath I recorded myself singing layers of harmonies to a Chris Tomlin song. I needed time to think and often this helps me. Before long my hands were swaying and my foot was keeping beat. This is something I love to do. I love to sing. I don’t know how to explain. I’m married to it. But if you ever ask me if I can sing I will say ” I have never been vocally trained.”
Most people respond with “that doesn’t matter.”
God has been convicting me of holding on to that one day on a gravel road in 9th grade. One girl’s rude response has been the culprit of years of insecurity. Seems silly right, but evil wants me to hate my love for music. Because music ministry is something I love to do.
Just don’t ever sing again.
“No!”
I am going to sing every day of my life for the rest of my life from the moment I wake till I go to sleep!
I love to sing.
So evil… leave me alone. I don’t have time to listen to you because I have my first independent vocal lesson tomorrow.
I can sing.
