I will begin by explaining the why. “Why am I writing a blog?”
Well, the answer begins with a younger version of myself…
I once viewed God as a Diest would. I was a girl torn by what my family taught and what I could not logically comprehend. Concepts such as “Virgin Birth” seemed to create a logic gap in my head and brought me to doubt the authenticity of Jesus. I knew I believed in God… But the whole Jesus thing was, at the time, still up in the air. I still remember my daily internal struggle and the overwhelming questions I had at a young age. These questions often felt like they went unanswered. One of my toughest battles was; I could never explain accurately just how overbearing the feeling of disconnect between my creator was on a daily bases. I fought questions like “Why do I exist?” And as a cancer survivor the most mind perplexing question I asked myself was ” Why did I survive?”
I was around 14 when I accepted Christ. I was asked to go to a conference called Acquire the Fire by a friend. I don’t remember much about what we talked about at that conference. But, I witnessed genuine connections to God, my surrounding worshiping neighbors were experiencing. I realized just how much God spoke to them as people spoke in tongue and others seemed at peace with where they were. So I prayed that night that if Jesus is who he said for him to save me. I remained quiet about my new found faith, out of shame(I still had some doubts and questions), but eventually I could not deny that Jesus truly is the only way. Eventually my doubts begun to diminish through guidance, studies, and research. My answered doubts began to become a foundation for who I am today.
I never exposed myself as a Christian until two years after the conference. What happened in these two years was very important to my faith as well as the direction I am taking now. During those quiet years I experienced two very important visions. One vision I saw during a worship service, the other in a dream. One initially provided information for the other.
My first vision warned me that my life was going to be different than the life I had once thought I would live. I was also reassured that God loved me. I knew after the vision I was called to journey and share the gospel. Following this vision I received a dream that showed me the country of which I was called to. The dream itself has been the cornerstone for many life choices I have made.
I was blessed to go to a Christian high school during my years of questions and figuring things out. But, as college approached I purposely went to a public college. My logic was to see if my faith could sustain life outside of a Christian bubble. College brought it’s difficulties. I walked in and out of faith through out my years there. But God always brought me back to my visions. The first few years I had an awesome Christian roommate. We shared our walk with God together and became close like sisters. She eventually graduated before I did and I begun looking for friends like her. My luck wasn’t the best. I often felt the harsh judgement from the Christians I was surrounded by. I struggled through my remaining years of college often remarked as being “too serious” or “doubtful”. Those were painful words for me to hear. They made me feel unwanted and unloved. But, my dialog with God was much different. He begun to tell me to leave the presence of the people I surrounded myself and trust him. About two years passed ( where I made my share mistakes) and he remained silent during my two year search for understanding. After this two year process he brought me a few friends who were the most monumental friendships to my Christian faith as well as a campus ministry family. A family unlike any I have ever had. They were patient and I was free to ask my questions with out fear of judgement.
As we grew together I found what it meant to have joy, peace, love, hope, gentleness, self control, I learned to be open with others, and most of all I learned why God originally called me into missions. I learned how to put aside my needs and my wants for others. He formed in me a heart of compassion and love for all people. He showed me through the two years of silence just why we need a savior. Why I needed to share my precious savior with others. He formed in me a heart that matched my calling. So now I am leaving to do what he asked me to do 10 years ago.
