This past week has been really challenging for me. I’m in Nicaragua now working at a boys’ school. I thought I was going to be working with the boys every day and get to love them and teach classes and play sports, but that hasn’t been the case. The four guys on my team and I have been doing a lot of manual labor. I had a lot of expectations about working in the school, and I was really excited. Once the manual labor started, though, I developed a really bad attitude about everything, and I let that influence me for too long.
We’ve been making a barbed wire fence at an empty lot that belongs to the ministry. The days are long and hot, and though the work isn’t too physically demanding, it’s been exhausting because of the constant heat and sun. I was really disappointed about not being in the school and being separated from the girls of our team. We were all excited to experience this month as a team, but we’ve been working separated for most of our time here so far. All of this continually frustrated me throughout the week, and my attitude hurt me more than I realized.
Over the weekend I started to feel spiritually weak and empty in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I didn’t want to be at this ministry. I didn’t want to team lead. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt like a failure. I felt useless. I felt homesick for the first time on this race. I was experiencing a lot of pain and heartache for several days.
Yesterday was a good day though. God is doing some work in my heart. I got to work in the school for an entire day for the first time since we came to Nicaragua. I was really excited when I discovered that.Then, my teammate David shared a devotional is class that really struck me.
David talked about the Matthew 14 when Jesus walks on the water and Peter goes out to him. What struck me was verse 30 where the Scripture says that Peter saw the wind, became afraid, and began to sink. I realized that when I set forth on this Race, God had called me out of the boat and into the waves. Through month one, I faced minor challenges but kept my eyes fixed on Christ. This past week, though, I became distracted by the disturbing winds. I had expectations for the month that caused me to start sinking and lose sight in my purpose here when they weren’t met.
I realized that I had expected to come here and get to do exactly what I wanted to do in ministry. It was all about me. The truth is that I came here to serve in whatever way I am needed. Whether that is in the school or outside in the heat is not for me to decide. I can only decide the attitude I have towards what I am asked to do.
At the end of David’s devotion, I asked God to save me from sinking into the waves like Peter did when he was afraid. I had a challenging weak, but yesterday I decided that regardless of the work I’m given, I am going to serve willingly and joyfully because that is what I am here to do. I’m still struggling and it is still going to be a challenge so please be praying for me as I go through this. It’s going to be a difficult period of growth for me.
