Even with all the material and all the talk about grace it seems to be one of the things that we as humans have a hard time understanding. We don’t truly understand this unconditional love. We give love conditionally depending on personality traits or family relation. We expect to receive love as a prize or some type of reward for something we do right. The type of love God portrays is completely foreign to how we as humans understand love.
It is tough to see through our own human lenses and see the full extent of what grace encompasses. Right now, I think that not being able to fully comprehend grace is what helps me accept it. I know that now in this physical state I can’t understand the full extent and expanse of who God actually is. I can talk about it and I can experience his love in unfathomable ways but in the end they are still unfathomable. I don’t understand it completely and that’s okay. At least to me God being unfathomable is part of His very nature.
During our month in Cambodia I had the great experience of teaching at BCI international school. We taught Bible stories and English to a group of Cambodian children between the ages of 5 and 10. We would sing songs and do silly dances along with the other teachers from Cambodia and the Philippines. But one thing that will stick out to me is my experience teaching a young boy that (for this blog) I will choose to call Timmy. He was a new boy that was about 8 years old and until now had never been taught English. Each day for about a week I spent the afternoon teaching him English one-on-one.
I’ll be honest. It was a struggle. I really don’t have much experience teaching languages. Honestly, I still struggle with English myself. I didn’t know what I was doing. I would try and teach shapes and colors and some simple phrases. In most other countries, and especially in Southeast Asia, the languages have completely different sounds than in English. This being the case, most children have never made some of the sounds required for English, such as the L, CH, SH, TS sounds. These sounds that seem so simple and so easy were completely foreign to him. The first two days seemed like they lasted forever. I was losing patience and he was staring at me in frustration.
As the week went on he began to understand a few of the things we were teaching. As he was able to pick up a few concepts I noticed not just a change in his attitude but also a change in my own. While he would light up every time he said something right or answered a question right, I would also find joy in his growth and in the joy that you could visibly see on his face. By the end of the week he probably only really knew a few words and even with those, he probably still struggled. He by no means had a strong command of the English language. It was barely less foreign to him then it was when he started; but hopefully, he began to believe that he could eventually learn this language called English.
Grace has been a struggle for me. I know God’s grace is full, that his love has no borders. I know that He loves me with an unconditional love that I know I will never be able to fully return. I know God gives grace and in turn I give grace to others but there are days when I just can’t seem to give grace to myself. I have a hard time truly living inside God’s love continually. Some days I wake up and judge myself on past sins that God has already forgiven and forgotten.
In John 15 Jesus talks about abiding in His love. When I looked up the word abide in the good old Webster’s dictionary I got the following definition.
“to continue without fading or being lost”
To continue without fading seems like exactly what I haven’t been doing. I haven’t been truly living in the freedom that comes from God’s grace. Part of abiding in God’s grace is continually forgiving yourself, and choosing each day to live in the freedom that is given us through grace.
Recently, I realized that when it comes to grace, I’m just like Timmy. I am trying to speak in a language I haven’t learned and am trying to understand concepts that are beyond my depth. To God, these concepts are simple and easy but to me they are beyond my comprehension. Yet unlike my interaction with Timmy, God doesn’t experience frustration with me but is constantly teaching me these simple concepts with delight in a son that He has already adopted and set free. He takes delight in every step I take in understanding more, having perfect joy every time I take a firmer hold on the life of freedom that He has freely given me.
I don’t fully understand all the facets of the enormous concept called grace, but I do know that I don’t have to. I just have to accept it and know that the God that holds the universe together loves me and has set me free from shame.
Here is a great video of our month in Cambodia made by Mandi Gummels
World Race – Month 9: Cambodia from Mandi Gummels on Vimeo.
