When I was saying my goodbyes for the Race, a friend of mine hugged me and said “I want you to know that people love you not for what you do, but for who you are” I hugged her again said “thank you” and walked away. I didn’t know what she meant fully but I also didn’t believe her. But today, as I sit in a coffee shop in Chiang Mai, Thailand, 30 something days away from being home, I think I know what she meant, and I’m starting to believe her.
If I’m being totally honest, I have been so selfish. I thought life would stop when I left, that my friends and family would be completely lost without me (that may be a bit dramatic but sort of true). I thought I would be able to see the void that my leaving would cause, that my absence would be evident. But I quickly realized that is not the case. I saw how everyone’s lives continued on without me being there. I wasn’t as intrigal as I thought I was. The world kept spinning without me. Now, trust me, I know how bad this sounds, I know, and I struggled with this too. How could I be spending 11 months traveling around the world saying Jesus was the center of my life, while throwing myself a pity party that I was not the center of everyone else’s?
I feel like this is something I have said to y’all; my supporters, my friends and family, random people who stumble upon my blog, a lot: I was a mess. I was so confused and frustrated. I wanted to be fully present where I was in ministry, but I also wanted to be with my people, whom I missed so much. I wanted people to text me and talk to me like I wasn’t a world away, I wanted something that wasn’t possible.
In Month 5 (May, in Ghana), I used my hour or so a week of wifi starring longingly at my phone wishing I was there. Wishing I was there when my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary, when my baby brother turned 21, when my cousin had her baby, when friends got married, when my boyfriend started a new job (throw in my own birthday and you can start to see the craziness that May is for me). Something happened though that I don’t think I expected, everything that was going to happen, happened. They didn’t need me there. Everything went on. Marriages and lives were started, while other lives celebrated milestones, it didn’t depend on me. I was not needed.
It’s very humbling when you learn that the world does not revolve around you. I’m sure I learned it when I was a small child but like many life lessons, I had to learn it again. But unlike the heartbreak of first hearing that the sun does not rise up to meet you, I felt so relieved. People lives and happiness are not dependent on me. I am simply not that important. And no, this is not a continuation of the pity party I had been throwing myself, this was more of a humility party. If you haven’t had a humility party before, I highly suggest it; just sit down, tell God you’re sorry for the times you’ve put yourself before even Him, and just wait for your world to get rocked.
It’s pretty freeing to acknowledge that you do not have as much influence or authority as you thought because there’s no pressure! You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you! And I have learned that being just Delaney, is pretty great. She a fun girl (in my humble opinion of course).
So fast forward five more months, to right now. How did we get here? Why is this post even necessary? If I have learned this lesson so beautifully in West Africa, why is it even a discussion in Southeast Asia? Well, I started thinking about home. If everyone has gone on without me, where do I fit when I come back? It’s true, I’m not needed. I have seen how life goes on without me, so my return is not crucial to life back home. And that’s a scary thought.
For so long, I thought that life had to be a performance, that everything would be getting a grade. But that’s not life. Life is a gift that we get to delight in. Each day is a gift, not an opportunity to earn something.
We don’t need to earn approval, friendship, acceptance, love, because our Father had already given us all of that. He didn’t give us all of these gongs because of any great thing we have done, no. He gave us everything because of His great love for us. He loves you, He adores you, He takes such delight in you, HE DOESN’T NEED YOU. He wants you.
He wants your friendship and your time. He wants to hear about your hard days and celebrate your triumphs. And I have learned that because we are created in His image, is that’s what I am too.
I am not needed at home. I’ve see it first hand, lives move on without me. But that doesn’t me that I’ve been “written out” of any story. It doesn’t mean that I have no place back at home. I will fit back into my home because I am wanted there. Not because of anything I can bring, or do, but simply being me is enough.
I cannot express the freedom that comes from realizing you’re wanted. By your friends, your family, and your great and sovereign God.
