It’s not a secret, but this month has been hard. I have struggled with the heat, I have struggled with the inconsistent running water, but I have also struggled with the feeling of uselessness.
When ministry plans would get cancelled and we had no plans for the day, I felt completely useless and out of place. If I am not out doing something for someone else, why am I even here? What is the point of doing the race if I am not doing something?
I would lay in bed at night praying and pleading with God to use me. Use me in whatever way He wanted and each morning I didn’t feel used. But instead, I felt frustrated. I started to doubt if the Lord even wanted me on the race because I didn’t feel like I was making any difference.
Each night I felt the Lord telling me to “just be still” and that I did not understand either. There were days I felt like all I was doing was being still and I was not loving it. I was done being still, I wanted to be moving and doing. But He had other plans and He just kept calling me to be still. So I did my best.
Currently in my quiet time with the Lord I have been reading through the Gospel of John and just yesterday I was in chapter 15. After reading again about how Jesus is the true vine and we are the branches and we are to abide in Him and bear His fruit, I started to feel frustrated again. I thought I was abiding in Him yet I was bearing no fruit, so I thought I had to be doing something wrong. But before I could get too lost in my own head, I started reading a devotional that went along with that passage. Amanda Bible Williams wrote this and it stopped me dead in my tracks
“Jesus is not commanding His disciples to bear fruit. The command is to remain”
That’s it. Jesus didn’t ask me to bear fruit or be a superhero, He has simply called me to remain in Him and trust Him fully. And I’m finally starting to get that. Jesus did not call me to be run down and empty if I don’t turn to Him to get refueled. He didn’t ask me to fill my days with activity and projects if they aren’t for His glory. He doesn’t want me tired if I don’t go to Him for rest. He just wants me, not my actions. He doesn’t want what I can bring to the table, He just wants me to come to the table.
I confused busyness with success and thought they were the same. While the world cares about what we get accomplished in a day, God cares about our heart. I pray that I can continue to be still and remain in that truth daily.
