It took me a long time to learn what people meant when they said “they heard God speak to them”. I thought they heard a booming voice in their head that sounded vaguely like Morgan Freeman and to be honest, the idea of that ever happening to me terrified me. I then learned that God speaks to people in the way that they most need to hear it and then I wasn’t as fearful of hearing from Him. I went through a season where I felt like the Lord was speaking to me and I was over the moon. I thought I was finally doing what He wanted me to be doing with my life, and that’s why He had something to say. However, like every season in our lives, that time appeared to have ended.
I spent the last few months feeling as if I was getting nothing but radio silence when I tried to talk to God. I was getting BEYOND frustrated. I started thinking mabye I was doing it wrong? Maybe God was angry with me? Maybe He had nothing to say. If you’ve never felt like God had nothing to say to you let me try and color you a word picture, it totally sucks. I would hear my friends and those closet to me telling me these incredible things God was reveiling to them and I felt everything I was doing was falling on to deaf ears.
I may have mentioned this before but if not let me fill y’all in on something, I overthink everything. Like everything. After I place an order at a restaurant, I contemplate if what I picked is really the best choice for me on this particular day. I’ll pick out an outfit for a night out and spend the next few hours thinking of every other possible choice I had. And don’t get me started on replaying every conversation I have as I lay in my bed at night thinking of the better way I could have responded to every sentence. I know how slightly (or not so slightly) crazy this sounds so don’t worry, I know. So imagine the questions that starting flooding into my brain during this period.
My self doubt was reaching an all time high. When I started thinking about leaving the country for 11 months all I could think was “You can’t do that. You’re a fool for thinking you can. You are going to fail.” Call it paranoia, call it negative self talk, but I have realized exactly what it was for me, it was Satan trying to control my thoughts. (Total disclaimer here; I do not believe I was or am controlled by the devil, so no need for any exorcisms or anything) but I do believe that he saw a an opportunity and he took it.
In the Gospel of John, Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” [John 10:10] and that is what he was doing. The devil was stealing my joy, killing my self confidence, and destroying my relationship with my Father. But thankfully, the story does not end there.
You know when you’re little, and you return home crying because some mean kid was being a bully, and your parents tell you that everything that that kid told you was a lie and even though you didn’t REALLY believe it, you did because you’re parents knew everything? Well once again, I was a sad, scared, little kid running into the arms of my Father for comfort. I had to shut down what I thought I was feeling and realize that it was not true. Satan tried to convince me that I was not worthy to be called a daughter of the one true king, that I was not His beloved with whom He is well pleased. Well guess what satan, not today.
Some days, I may listen to the lies you tell me. Some days, I may believe you. But that day is not everyday and some day is not today.
