After writing my first blog post and “officially announcing” my post-grad plans of doing the World Race, I was completely overwhelmed by the support and kind words I received. To put it simply; I felt good, at peace, and content. Then I think reality set in. The reality of leaving home for 11 months, the reality of leaving people I love, the reality of life moving on without me. It didn’t help that sometimes I felt as if people were acting as if I was dying. (For the record, the phrase “Oh, but you’ll be gone then” doesn’t sit well with me). I started thinking that I would be easy to be forgotten. Not in the sense that I legitimately thought people were going to forget about my existence, but more that I wouldn’t be thought of everyday because life goes on. And because of these thoughts I started to doubt.
I started to doubt if I could handle this journey as a whole, but I also started to doubt if this was in fact what the Lord was calling me to do. Wouldn’t it just be easier to get a job? Or to go to grad school? Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay where I’m comfortable and happy? Wouldn’t it be easier to not be a little crazy? Maybe it would be, but I don’t think we are called to complacency and ease, I think God wants us to live outside of our comfort zone. But knowing this didn’t make the doubt go away.
I read a book recently that totally shook up how I looked at doubt and God’s calling. (Sidebar: I read a lot and learn a lot from reading so I will probably be mentioning books and what I’m reading regularly). Angie Smith wrote a book entitled “What Women Fear” and in just the first few chapters I had to put the book down and think and pray. She dives into Genesis 3, the story of the fall, and said how Satan disguised as the serpent never told Eve to eat the fruit he simply asked her a question about God’s will. I read that and thought that it was a bold lie because I always just assumed that the devil used his trickery and convinced her to eat of the forbidden fruit. So I flipped open my bible with the (foolish) intent to discredit what I had just read. But what I found rocked me to my core, in Genesis 3:1 the serpent asks “Did God actually say you shall not eat of any tree in the garden?”. And well, we all know what happens after that. Boom, it’s that simple. He did not tell Eve and pressure her into disobeying God, instead he planted a simple seed of doubt with a question.
“Are you sure of what God said?” “Are you sure God has your best interests in mind?” “Are you sure?”
How often do I fall into the same trap that Eve fell into? How often do I think I know better? Answer: everyday. But thankfully, I love and serve a God who looks past that and always has my best interest at heart. I think the root of my doubt is that I like to think I know everything when in reality, I know nothing. I do not know what is coming down the road or where life will take me and I hate that. I like being in control when it comes to my own life. But I need to realize that my life is not my own. I do not know better than God. It feels even silly to write that out because it sounds so obvious. Like, of course I’m not better than God so why do I waste my time trying to be? It’s fruitless labor and my energy can be spent in so many better places.
I am currently studying 1 Peter with a group of women that have changed my life. We share our triumphs and struggles with one another and our hearts are open to change and growth. A few weeks ago we talked about submission and how awfully connoted that word has become in our skewed world. We shared how people today view submission as weakness and a sign of defeat when in reality it is completely trusting another person. While preparing for this weeks study I read this quote that made it all click. Jen Wilkin wrote “Submission is the willing act of yielding to the authority of another. This is what Christ did on the cross: He willingly yielded to the will of the Father”. That’s the goal and that’s what I’m working towards.
I know this is not going to be quick switch I flip where I’m going to wake up tomorrow ready to jump on my plane with no doubts in my mind. I know that this is a daily decision to make, to take up my cross and willingly yield to the will of my Father. I pray that I, and you, can be strong in our faith that when satan, disguised however he may, tries to plant a seed of doubt in our hearts that that seed bears no fruit. I know my God is stronger than that and since my God lives in me, I am stronger than that as well.
Much love,
Delaney
