Last week, while talking to one of my closest friends, he asked me the type of question that would put anyones nerves on edge.
We had been talking about how I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going in life, when he turned to me and hesitatingly asked if he could tell me something he and noticed without me getting offended.
Saying “without getting offended” is basically pre warning someone, you are about to offend them.
Hearing this, and catching the ‘without getting offended, I smiled reassuringly and said in my sweetest voice ‘of course.’ Simultaneously mentally preparing myself for some intense feedback. I started praying hard that the Lord would give me grace, and that I would be able to receive whatever he had to metaphorically throw at me.
By the time he started speaking, I already had a ‘thank you’ poised on my lips.
He then told me he has observed for quite a while now that I am consistently discontent.
That's right folks, me, Deirdre, mrs. happy bubbly, always laughing, big bag of joy, discontent.
Excuse me, What?!
I was so caught off guard that my thank you’ was completely thrown out the window. I began to explain that I was in fact, not discontent. if anything, perhaps I am just restless. definitely not discontent.
So much for not getting offended.
The more I think about it now however, the more I realize I'm at least a little discontent when it comes to me trying to find where I belong.
Ever since I began preparing to come home from the Race, I've been trying to find where I fit in.
At first I thought it was in Colorado, where I'm from and have grown up. It was logical, as it was the last place I've known as home.
Upon returning to Colorado however, something was missing. I didn’t feel like I quite belong there anymore. I had become such a different person that home didn’t feel like home anymore.
I then went to Georgia, in hopes that Adventures in Missions would be my new home. Despite the amazing community and like minded friends, I found myself longing for my family and friends back at ‘home’ in Colorado. I didn’t feel like I quite belonged there either.
Now that I'm back in Colorado, i have no idea where I fit in here – shocker – I don’t know what I should be doing, or where I should be going. I feel like I don’t belong here, anymore then I did when I first got home from the Race.
This is what I'm talking about, one can almost see discontentment written across my day to day life.
In 1 Peter 2, Peter refers to believers as strangers, foreigners, temporary residents. People of the heavenly courts, not people this land. People who just don’t belong. Aliens.
I am finding that the more I travel, pray, and spend time with the Lord, the less I feel like I belong anywhere.
I haven’t been able to find my home, because my home isn’t here. I’m just a temporary resident.
The lord doesn’t want me to feel completely content or at home anywhere, because he wants me to remember I wasn’t created for this to be my home. There is more so much more.
In the last couple of years, the only times I have truly felt at home, were moments where I was face to face with God.
When little African babies fell asleep in my arms, when complete strangers gave everything they could, to bless my squad, when we were praying over a heartbroken woman who had just lost her only son. Those were the moments I felt completely at home. I felt like I was exactly who I needed to be, doing exactly what I needed to be doing, exactly where I needed to be. I belonged in those moments.
Isn’t that what the definition of being home is? Feeling a snece of belonging? Feeling like you are exactly where you should be.
For me, the only place I feel like I Truly belong is in the presence of the Lord. Face to face with the Father.
I am starting to realize my home is not a place, its a heart posture, its Kingdom.
Instead of trying to find where I belong, I should instead try to find Kingdom, because that's where I will find my home.
