I've been single for almost four years now.
It's been four years since I've woken up to good morning text messages which tell me how much I'm loved.
It's been four years since someone has reached out to grab my hand, looked deeply into my eyes, or whispered sweet nothings into my ear.
It's been Four years. That's 1460 days, or 35040 hours. That's a long time.
I woke up this morning both trying to remember what it is like to be in love, and I'll admit willing myself not to Facebook stalk my ex. It's hard trying not to remember those times that I last felt in love. Even if it was flawed and fleeting.
As summer rolls in, it's bringing what appears to be 8 million weddings with it. All of my friends it seems, are jumping into their white dresse and skipping down that aisle, hand in hand with true love. Each and every RSVP card asking me about my +1 smacks me in the face. Yes, it's just me, you stupid card!
I've been talking to The Lord about my singleness lately – and by lately I mean for the last yearish… Our conversations often go like this
'Seriously God, ANOTHER engagement….. What he heck?! Here I am, hey, forever alone'
And it seems like every time He just laughs.
He laughs because my perspective is so small. He laughs because my dreams, my desires, my hopes for myself are so minuscule.
I may be looking for a strong man of The Lord to spend my life with, and that's great, but he already has people he needs me to love. There are people of every tongue, tribe and nation, he has singled out for me to go and pour everything I am into. Yet here I sit, bitterly watching 'he's just not that into you' trying to figure out which character I am. Thank God for grace.
I need a perspective shift.
God has places for me to go, and hurting people for me to see, before it is my turn to start a pinetrest board full of rings and dresses. And so I take a deep breath, and walk faithfully into this next chapter of my life, strong, confident, and perfectly single.
I'm ready for what's next, ready to go to Thailand and find women who have never seen, felt, or imagined a love so extravagant as the father's. I'm ready to go into bars full of oppression and hopelessness, and be a light. I'm ready to share the love I have, and to learn what real love looks like, so that one day if I do find myself in a room full of the people I love, walking down an aisle toward my future, I will know how to love that man with all I am.
But now is not that time.
Now is my time to love many, not one.
And so I will continue to check 'single' on all my tax returns, and dance with all my girlfriends at weddings, knowing undoubtedly that when it's my turn to be in love, The Lord will let me know.
I still need $2,000 to go to Thailand in two weeks, to help women stuck in human trafficking. If you would like to donate to me please click here
