(I can't figure out how to flip this photo over… 🙁 )
I love to draw. Pencil, pastel, charcoal. You name it, I probably love it.
I love creating something out of nothing. Starting with a blank canvas, and slowly adding and subtracting until finally I am sitting before a beautiful piece of artwork.
I love how when I begin creating something, it always looks like a hot mess. Things look out of place, lines look flat, proportions are off. But as the minutes pass, and I blend and erase and meld, my artwork begins to take shape; before long I feel a pride well up, as I admire the skills that the Lord has blessed me with displayed in the picture before me.
My love for drawing however always seems to go hand in hand with my love of people loving my drawings. While I do draw for myself, and the pleasure I get out of creating, I also draw for the satisfaction that comes when someone looks at my artwork and says ‘really? You drew that?’
And my response is always the same. In a small self-deprecating voice trying to mimic meekness, I always reply ‘yeah, I mean, it’s alright.’ I’m practically daring them to continue complementing me.
But the compliments I was looking for were specific. I didn’t want to be told that my drawing was ‘good’ or ‘pretty’ I wanted it to be great. I wanted to be the best, I wanted to be irreplaceable. Anyone could be good, anyone could do pretty. I wanted phenomenal.
Every time someone looked at my artwork and said it was pretty, or good, instead of great, I was reminded that I was not good enough. I was average yet forgettable. I was not an impressive enough artist to stand out, to be noticed, to be valued. I needed to work harder, strive more, and do better, because I was not enough.
You see, at some point, I decided who I was as a person, was not enough. If I were just me, and had no amazing skills or amazing talents, I wouldn’t be needed. I had to make up for the fact that I was subpar, by doing things that were extraordinary.
And so I would draw, and then seek out people to show those drawings too, longing for them to tell me that what I had done was extraordinary.
Yet their complements never quite satisfied me; they were never quite enough. And so I would show other people. Saying over and over again ‘I mean it’s alright’ silently begging them to tell me that my artwork was great and fabulous. And always feeling disappointment and rejection no matter what their response was. Nothing was affirming enough, no one could tell me that it was good enough.
No matter what someone said in response to my drawing before them, it was never enough to reach to those dark places that were telling me I was worthless without my skills.
That sneaky lie which twisted my value, had snuck its way so deeply into my heart that it had begun to effect how I lived every day.
I had to be the best writer on the Venture team. I had to be the best Photographer in my photo class. I had to make the most phone calls in my office. I had to be the very best at everything, or else I would blend in with scenery, and soon be forgotten. I had to Be the best, and Do the best, because I Was not the best.
What I needed however was not to be told that my artwork was good, or that thousands of people had read my blog. What I needed was someone to look me in the eyes and tell me that who I am is good enough, drawing or no drawing, talent or no talent.
I need to remember that I am enough, not because of what I do, and not even because of who I am, but because of the Father who created me, and called me worthy.
Who am I, to look at myself and say that I am not enough, when the Father himself has said that I am everything?
Who am I, to say that I am flawed and come up short, when I was created in the image of Him who is perfect?
It doesn’t matter what I can do, or what I can’t, weather I can draw, or paint, or write. Because who I am is enough every time, because of Him who created me.
What areas in your life are you striving to be enough through what you can do instead of who you are?
