When I was on the race we would set time aside every day to come together as a team, and talk about where our hearts were that day. We would sit and think, really think, about how we felt; our struggles, our praises, where we were with The Lord, things like that.
If I were to do that today here is what I would say:
Being home is hard. So so hard.
I'm so confused, because my feelings and emotions are so contradictory to each other all the time.
I am more happy with my life and who I am now, then I have ever been. The lord has filled me with such an unbelievable joy. On the other hand I am always filled with such an overwhelming sadness also.
I am happy because of how amazingly lucky I am. I still cant believe that The Lord has taken me on such an amazing journey over the last year. I am happy because I know that whatever I do next is going to be amazing. I am happy because the mountains are beautiful, and because I get to drive a car whenever I want. I am happy because I have amazing friends and an amazing family. Anytime I think about it I am amazed at just how blessed I am, and how much I have to be thankful for. The place I am in now is such a place of joy.
I am also in a place of such sorrow. I am more sad now then I can even understand. I am almost always on the verge of tears, constantly wondering at the mourning that continuously presses against my heart. I miss my squad family more then I can express. We had a type of reunion a couple weeks ago, where I was blessed to be able to spend a week with the majority of my squad. It was during that week that I really realized how much I missed everyone who had done the race with me. It felt like I had been holding my breath for the three weeks that we were apart and I just didn't know it. It was once I was around them again that I could finally breath once more, and I finally realized how much I missed them. I am constantly reminded of this person or that person, yearning to tell someone about the time that we made mo mo one night in Nepal, and they all came out funny shaped. or the time my pastor in Uganda convinced me to buy a bug zapping racket, and then how the boys would chase each other around with it for the next three months. My heart and mind are so full of these stories, but I hold them back typically, choosing not to say anything at all. I am worried that people are getting tired of my stories, tired of hearing about people they will probably never meet, in a culture they don't quite understand.
I am so sad because my heart has been ripped into a million different pieces, and scattered all around the world. My heart is with the family in India who had lost their baby moments before we got to their house. My heart is in Cambodia with the children who desperately want to learn English so that they can hopefully find a better job then their fathers. My heart is in Kenya, with the street boys huffing glue out of old liquor bottles. My heart is in Latvia with the hardened hearts of the people scarred by a past over run with Natzi's and souvites. I have been ripped into so many pieces and influenced by the stories of so many people over the last year that I don't know who I am, or where I belong anymore.
I am sad because my relationship with The Father has been so feeble. No matter how many times he speaks over me, telling me he is the same God here, as he was in Vietnam, Thailand, and Tanzania, I still struggle with feeling so much further away from Him now, then I ever was on the race. The worship feels empty, my prayers feel insignificant. I can't help but look at my self and gape. What happened to the Woman who was a fierce prayer warrior, who couldn't get enough worship?
I feel so empty all the time, and have no motivation to fill myself up. I'm moody, temperamental, and snappy. I KNOW that all I need is to submerge myself in lord, and that person I was on the race would return, but what do you do when you have no motivation to do what you know you have to do?
I feel lost.
At the same time though I feel found. I feel secure. I feel loved.
My heart and mind are in a constant flux between two extremes. I can hardly keep up!
I am in a place of transition, and I know that I have big plans ahead of me (more on that in the next blog!) I could really use some prayer, and encouragement as I continue to step into what life here at home looks like. Thank you all so much for all the support and prayers that you have blessed me with.
