Confession: I’m terrified to come home.
Don’t get me wrong; there are so many things I’m excited about. I get to see my family, with whom I am ridiculously close. I get to meet my beautiful niece, who is the laughingest, singingest baby I have ever seen. I’ll get to spend both major holidays with the ones I love. I have a road trip with my brother and time with all my friends to look forward to. Then there are the more shallow things I am looking forward to. I can eat (and probably puke) all the foods I’ve been craving. I can sprawl out in a bed that is my own and shower in hot water. I can be completely dry before I have to get dressed. I will have outfit option upon outfit option.
But when I really start to think about going home, I’m filled with fear and anxiety.
I have to go home. I have to leave this family of 41+6ish. I have to move past the World Race. I have to settle.
The idea of roots terrifies me. I did not choose a mission that moved every month by coincidence. Throughout the race, though, God has been showing me the importance of really planting yourself wherever He puts you, for however long. I was absolutely sure God would show me where I would immediately be moving to after the Race. But as my faithful followers know, God very clearly told me to go back to the States.
And that’s all He told me. He did not tell me where to live. He did not tell me what to do. He did not tell me who or what or how is next. He did not tell me when, or even if, I will be back in the nations. He simply said, “Back to the States.”
He has given me dreams. He has shown me passions. There are so many things I’m looking forward to investigating. I’m ready for the day that I can hear God say “Yes” instead of “Wait.” I want to spend hours searching for answers to questions I have had since before I left for the Race. I cannot wait to see Him open doors. I just have to go home and bide in the “in between time,” right?
Wrong.
Tonight, God told me something very clearly: There is no such thing as “in between” time. I have been worried and afraid because I have been looking at “what’s next” as temporary, meaningless, in between. And I felt like that time would be wasted. I would come home from a year of go, go, go with God to an abrupt and silent halt. I would come home to meaningless nothingness.
What a dirty, rotten lie straight from hell.
There is no in between time. There is no “getting ready.”
For the first time, I can honestly and ecstatically say I am coming back to the States!
In just over two months, I will be on a plane home. I still have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing. There are still so many questions I don’t have answers to yet. I don’t know what comes “after” the after (because God knows me too well to tell me yet). You see, if God told me, I would just see it as an in between. Instead, I’m not going to stop. It’s going to be ministry. I will still hear God. I will still serve God. I will still be going deeper with God, growing daily in my relationship with Him. He will still use me. I will be planted, present, plugged in, and purposeful. Maybe that means Florida or North Carolina or Colorado or a different place every few weeks. Roots do not mean you have to be in one place forever. Roots mean you are sure and steady in The Lord, whatever He calls you to.
So when you ask me, “What are you doing next?” I hope I can confidently say one thing:
“The same thing I am doing now.”
