The lie of second place. This is something I have struggled with…pretty much my entire life. A constant pattern, but I did not before realize how persistently it pervaded my relationships. Let me take you back to the beginning, and maybe you’ll understand. Most of the time, I don’t. Some of the time, in friendships, relationships,and even my walk with The Lord, I still struggle with this. I absolutely did not want to write this blog, but I know I need to, if only for myself – for understanding, for healing, and to see that God is really changing me.
I love my sister. Tabitha is beautiful, she is bold, she is outspoken. She is persistent and knows how to fight for (and get) what she wants. She is a wife. She is now a mother. She is intelligent and successful. Even when we were young, I admired her more than almost any other person. I had two huge fears regarding my sister: 1) That I would never be enough like her and 2) that I was too much like her. To understand this, you need to know that my sister and my mom fought a lot in her teenage years. I did not want to fight with my mom, to go through the yelling and the screaming and the tears. So I made it my mission to be perfect – to never have anything worth fighting over. Somehow, still, I never seemed to live up to the expectations. If my mom and I were disagreeing, I was too much like Tabitha. If my grades were not great, I was stressed out and struggling, or I was not outspoken or brave or beautiful, I was not enough like Tabitha. I could never measure up; I could never be her. In my eyes, and I believed in the eyes of my mother, I would always be second place.
In tenth grade, I met Brinan, my beautiful and whimsical best friend. She is joy and laughter and magic and fun, and the person that I trust with any information and my entire life more than any other. She is my Penguin. As we went through high school, we always seemed to find ourselves in friend trios. The third person, more often than not, was a male. He always, without a doubt, ended up falling in love with Brinan. I never sought the attention of or a relationship with these men, but I always wondered “Why not me?” I was afraid to let Brinan meet boyfriends, or sometimes even other friends. I was insecure, I was self-conscious, and I believed I was once again, second place.
When I applied to the Race, I signed up for A-Squad. Another girl, Stacie, was also on that squad, and I knew immediately we would be friends. When I switched to C-Squad, I was excited to see her switch, too. As soon as we met, I knew this was a friendship God put into place. She is another strong woman, a close friend I can learn so much from. Her personality is contagious, she has an incredible passion for The Lord, and she sees beauty in everything around her. In El Salvador, the same lie came back. People were drawn to her. People trusted her. Her friendships were blossoming and blessed. And I started to hear the whispers of second place. I received feedback that I was unable to be myself because I was unsure of my identity. I confided in another teammate my fears – that this lifelong battle was enveloping me again – that I would never be free of the lie of second place.
Several things occurred:
– A squad leader reminded me that identity is found in one thing: the unconditional and unique love that Jesus has for ME. Not for me because I’m working to be like my sister. Not for me because I’m more appealing than Brinan. Not for me because I have more spunk and fun than Stacie. He has that love for me because I am me, and He made me, and He died for me. If I stand in that, my identity is secure, no matter how I define myself.
– Stacie and Robyn prayed for me and reminded me of Isaiah 43:18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
– I told Satan I was no longer believing the lie of second place.
With Jesus, there is no such thing as second place. Just because all of our relationships look different doesn’t mean He loves anyone more or less. He loves me. He loves YOU. He died for me. He died for YOU. He pursues me every day and cherishes our relationship. He does the same for YOU.
I’m learning that in life and relationships, there is no second place either. Each friendship is different. Each person is different. Just as everyone has something unique to offer in relationship, everyone has something unique to offer in the Kingdom. So let’s stop comparing. Let’s stop being jealous and insecure. Instead, let’s love each other to the best of our own, personal ability. Let’s love The Lord and serve Him to the best of our own, Creator-ordained ability. Let’s allow Jesus to love us each as we are, as He dreamed we would be, and live a life through which that is evident.
