Over the past two months there have been in growing number quite a few instances when I am taken back by the rapidly approaching reality of “home.” I use the term home lightly because in the past year I have called over 11 places my “home” and in 7 weeks I will be back in the states… my “home”-just in time for the next “home” God has for me. The reality of going home to a place without community, after living in community for a year, is a little overwhelming, and not to mention going home to the same place that I left from a year ago, but not returning back the same person. I left a place of temptations like pornography, pride, fear of man, and materialism at home, knowing that there wouldn’t be a place or time for that here on the race, but that isn’t true when I return. While I am a changed person and by no means am I trying to deny the work God has done in my life this year, I do also realize that life after the race isn’t going to be as easy as I had tricked myself into thinking it would be.
Going into this crazy thing I expected to be changed… I had NO idea what that change would look like, but I knew it would be there. I think I fell into the category of people that think after a mission’s trip and seeking God for a year that I would come back close to perfect. I mean I was a missionary for a year! Right…? Wrong. Throughout Africa God did a LOT of work on my heart. I surrendered and dealt with un-confessed sins, bondage, and fears. The Lord took me through the desert, and by the end of month 8, I thought that I had everything taken care of. However since arriving in Europe I have had all areas of temptation tested. Currently here in the Ukraine, God is preparing me for life after the race. I live in the downtown area of a nice size city, where people don’t go outside unless they are dressed for the occasion; nice cars are everywhere, and there are sexual temptations galore. The very things that I thought I had under control are becoming a temptation again, and I am not even back in the states yet. What about the temptations that Satan hasn’t had an opportunity to utilize yet? What happens when I get home and my computer is there again? What does it look like to go home to a place that is comfortable? Back to a place where these things aren’t seen as “strongholds” as much as everyday desires to be fulfilled. These are some of the questions that I have been facing, and wrestling with.
Through this wrestling I have some grasp on the truth of the situation. I am coming home a changed person. Period. I can’t help it… before I left for the race I was waiting for my time to be called into heaven, just trying to be a “good Christian” here on earth while I wait in line, and if I brought a few people with me than great but if not okay too. Now I passionately seek God’s kingdom here on earth, not waiting for a heaven, but pushing to see heaven come to earth in my life now! I know that I will have struggles going home and some things may be a temptation but I also know that I will never be the person I was before the race again; that I can’t have the revelation of whom God is that I have discovered this year stripped from my mind because it is written on my heart forever.
I have to be honest that it is a very bittersweet reality… bitter in that to keep my integrity whole I am going to have to work and put forth more effort than I had originally thought. Sweet in that I am going “home” and get to see people that I love and haven’t seen for 11 months, after the Lord has prepared me for it here in Europe. I believe that this is why our last months are in Europe…yes to minister to others, but also to be prepared and equipped for “home.” To live a changed man in a not so changed home. To live as a son of God and member of a heavenly kingdom, residing temporarily in this earthly kingdom.
