I originally wrote this the night before my birthday.
Tonight is my last night as a 27 year old, tomorrow (this all depends on how you view the whole time/ space continuum since I am in Asia and I was born in the United States a whole day difference. Things get weird with that International Date Line) when I wake up I will no longer be 27. I will begin a new year and a new journey as a 28 year old. As I lay down for bed and the day comes to a close, I think what have I done, learned, accomplished in my brief 27 years?
I really don’t think that this will amount to much. In 27 years of life, I have… graduated from high school, graduated from college. Touched 5 continents (skied on 3!!! Only 4 more to GO!). Boarded down a Volcano. Climbed a volcano. Lived overseas, not including the Race. Seen more than ¾ of the United States. Been in too many weddings to remember (just kidding! I remember every one of them). See friends come and go. Seen families begin. Seen miracles. Seen the Sunrise and the sunset on the same day, more than once. Seen death, seen Life. Been a leader. Been a follower. Gone to a movie by myself (more than once). Gone to dinner at restaurant by myself. Drank way too much. Spent too much. In 27 years of life, I have loved, been heart broken, been depressed, laughed so hard my abs hurt, I have been blessed to have seen and done many things. But what does that mean about who I am?
What I have done, learned, or accomplished does not define who I am. They are things that are apart of my life (a lot of those things not listed above) but by reading those things you do not know or see what kind of person I am, what kind of man I am. Sure I am proud of some of those things, while some of those things still hurt and some I am just not proud of. But what I am learning is that those do not make up me. They do not define me. If they do not define me then what does? Who is David Sadowski?
Here is the real reason I’m going on this 11-month journey. I want to find myself. I want to know who I am. Why? Because over 27 years I have either forgotten or never fully understood who I am. I have tried my best at putting on masks and pretending that I know these things. Maybe I fooled you, maybe I didn’t. If I did, I apologize. Here is the real truth; I fooled myself. I tricked myself into thinking that I had it together and that I wasn’t the person I actually was. So much so, that I would even begin to believe that something actually never happened. I tricked myself into thinking that I had to perform a certain way or be a certain way depending upon who I was around. And I would much rather pretend to have my shit together and be the role model “christian”, than be who I really was. A mess, someone lost and trying to grab a hold of anything that could give me identity.
In almost 5 complete months on the World Race, I’ve begun to rediscover who I am.
I am…
Beloved– this is the Hebrew translation of my name. So I guess it must be true.
A Son-
Loved-
Warrior-
Leader-
Father- I know you’re thinking WHAT?!! I believe that Fatherhood and being a father is a gift from God and it has been spoken over me several times.
Brother-
Servant-
Listener-
And I am sure there is much, much more. But for now this will do.
Some of these words are words that have been spoken over me. Some are just things that I believe God has revealed to me over the years about my character.
Honestly, as of right now I don’t fully believe all of them. I know they are things that I constantly hope that people see but I don’t believe that they are necessarily inherit truths about myself. These are not the words I think of when I attempt to define who I am. I only hear these when others speak them to me.
Here is the honest truth…
I don’t really think that I am loved. Why is it that I don’t feel loved? I think a lot of it is because I don’t love myself. I don’t always like the person I am. Whether it is the way I look or things I have done, I am not always content with who I am. Mainly because of things I have done. Through that I have felt that I am not loved and that I constantly need to do more or try harder to be loved by those around me or even by God. Well for whatever reasons, I have been stuck in some legalistic idea of who God is and in that have not felt loved. I have spent most of my time trying to earn the love of those around me and that of God. I thought that it was something I could earn. (Yes, I knew from Sunday school that this is considered impossible: “you could not earn the love of God”). I have even preached that on many occasions but I am just now realizing that I haven’t always felt that way or believed it. Maybe it is because I am performance minded from being involved in different sports my whole life, or maybe it is because I thought you always had to earn the things you wanted. Maybe it is because I only feel God’s love when the warm fuzzy feelings come, or when something “big” occurs. You know that camp high cycle of things. Either way, I was wrong. Flat wrong, or so that’s what is beginning to set in now on the eve of my 28th birthday. Better late than never, right?
Even though I would say I was loved, it has taken a lot for me to actually think it may be true. Why? I think that is because of the view I have had of God. My experience of God was a being that sits there demands respect and love. A God that seems disappointed with me because I sin. And I sin a lot. To quote a friend, “I am a walking sin.” (shout out to Hannah Brown)
I thought I had to find a way to do more, sin less, love Jesus more and I will earn my “right” to Heaven. If I could just be more like Jesus, then I will get into Heaven. This is what I really thought; while I would say and mask it with I am saved and free because of Jesus. I have also felt that I have sinned so great and done things I never imagined myself doing that I must find a way to clean myself and straighten myself up so that God will accept me.
That is all I have ever wanted, to be accepted. To be accepted as me, just me. That is something that I have always struggled with. I allowed my interactions and hurts from people become my projection of who God is. Maybe that is why I have felt that I have had to prove myself or become this or that to be accepted and loved by God and those around me.
But here is the truth that is finally sinking in after 27 years…
He loves me. He really does. He has plans to prosper those who love Him. Jeremiah 29:11. He still loves me when I don’t love Him. And trust me there has more of me seeking my own things and my own happiness, than trusting God. But God still loves me.
It doesn’t really matter what I do, God (Papa) will still love me. It is not about having my life in order and being a “good” person. It is also not a license to go and do whatever I want. And believe me I have tried that route. Papa loves me because he created me. He is my Father. I am sure you may be thinking, “Well, yeah I knew that!” For me, it always seemed like he was more of disciplinarian or just there when I needed to be bailed out. But that couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth. God isn’t waiting for me to mess up so He can punish me and He isn’t waiting for me to get my ducks in a row either. He LOVES me just because I am me and I carry some form of His image. He is just waiting for me to choose the relationship with Him all the time. Not just when I think I need Him because the truth is I need him all the time.
