On a long bus ride (see Transportation in Africa) I found
myself awake late at night and yearning inside for a deeper connection
with God. Sometimes the World Race gets busy and it’s hard to make
yourself take the time away that you need. I’ve felt God stirring in me
lately the urgent need to hear His voice. In some ways it’s kind of an
irritating stirring. I’ll explain why in a second. As I sat on the bus I
put headphones in and started listening to worship and purposefully
engaged my Spirit in worshiping the Lord. It’s not what I felt like
doing but it’s what I needed to do. I needed to turn my heart toward
acknowledging Him. So I mouthed the words silently to songs of worship
in the dark bus and I turned the eyes of my heart inward, toward my
Creator. I began to listen for Him and started to hear His words to me.
At times it’s difficult to discern between the Lord’s voice and my own
internal thoughts and that was frustrating to me. I’ve been through the
learning process before. In high school I spent months and months
learning to differentiate and confirm the voice of the Lord to the point
of having long conversations with Him where I had no doubt as to which
voice was His. Having to repeat the process was a frustration and a
little bit humiliating. I spoke back to God and said, “Is this what I
have to do? Start all over again and test Your voice, learning how to
hear it all over again?” I heard Him respond in admonishment, “You did
it before, are you too good for it now?”
both used. Every time the new school year started, the first few
chapters of the new book would repeat some of the most elementary
lessons from the previous year. Sometimes I would find myself doing
simple addition in the first chapter, even in a middle school book,
although things got much harder later on in the book. It was a good
analogy into the spiritual life and it also revealed a major area of
pride and stubbornness in my heart. By struggling against learning the
lessons again I’ve pushed God away for the sake of my vanity. I’ve tried
to believe that “I’ve already got that figured out”. I ignored the
unfathomable mystery that God is for the sake of an image I could shape
and understand myself.
a lesson and, in some ways, it makes me feel like the lessons not worth
learning if it takes so long to figure out. But that’s a surefire way
to miss out on the excellencies of the plan of God for my life. There is
joy in the infinite depths of a God we can never fully know but spend
our lifetimes searching out. So I won’t look back as if God is a cruel
taskmaster returning me to third grade. I’m going to look forward and
see how each thing He teaches me builds on the last and my understanding
can only grow by going through it again. We don’t read a bible passage
once. I won’t strive to hear Him just once. I need it. I’m not too good
for it. Are you?
