Part 2:
I had wandered away from everyone else, alone and into the wilderness, down the darkest path I could find. The night was cold and I stood there staring up at the sky, trying to comprehend Jesus. Everyone else was inside singing and dancing and praising Jesus and worshiping, but I didn’t feel what everyone else was feeling. Instead, I stood out there under the stars, questioning my faith. I was trying to answer a deeper question and I was frustrated that I couldn’t answer it. – Read the rest of this to see how the story ends.
Minutes before, we were all standing in the lodge, doing evening worship, and singing. There were about 300 other people in there just celebrating like their team had won the championship game or something. I’m not really huge of dancing around and singing with everyone else, but I tried to let it happen. Earlier that day, I felt for the first time like I could actually hear God’s voice. It was weird, but a really interesting experience. Now as we all stood there together, I tried to open myself up more to understanding who Jesus is and feeling his presence. One of the counselors and a good friend came up to me and I guess he could see I was less enthusiastic than everyone else. He knew I was struggling with my faith and he put his hand on my back and said “Just open your heart and let Jesus in.” So, I closed my eyes and I tried. I was honest about it… I really was trying to open my heart up and feel what everyone else was apparently feeling, but it just wasn’t there. I felt numb and empty. So, I kept trying. But as I did, I started to get frustrated. I guess it felt pretty much like when you leave the door open so the dog can come in and he just stands there and stares at you until you finally go “alright, whatever, stay out there”. (I guess if you’re dyslexic, you’ll probably get a good laugh out of the irony of that.)
So, everyone else is still singing and dancing and I’m just not in the mood for it. I grab my jacket and head outside. No headlamp because I just like to walk in the darkness. I pick the darkest trail I can find and walk down it until I’m far away from everything. I stand out there alone, staring at the sky and questioning all this silliness that’s going on. Then, I try to see if I can figure out one of those other “Where was Jesus when ____” moments, and I get frustrated because there’s just nothing. Here I am, standing in the woods all by myself and asking questions out loud towards the sky. This is the definition of stupid. The clouds aren’t gonna part and some divine revelation isn’t going to hit me in the face. But I’m still out here, halfway through this training camp, and still questioning my faith. I know deep down that this is the right path for me, but I just can’t figure out why or what I really believe in. I don’t understand Jesus or the Holy Spirit. I believe there is a God, but I just don’t understand the rest. So, I just head back inside, skeptical and frustrated. When I get in, there is a pastor talking about the Holy Spirit and how that all works out. He’s talking about how the Holy Spirit works and moves in your life. Some people start shaking and some are crying and some people go into a weird trance. And now, I’m really getting frustrated because I can’t tell if these people are lunatics or are just faking it or what is going on. I feel nothing. I try the whole “get in tune with your Holy Spirit” thing and again there’s nothing. Whatever, I’m done with this nonsense. I head back to the tent and call it a night, which is really sad because up until now I was at least excited to be here. Now I’m just frustrated by pretty much everything.
The next day at some point, I am called outside for a one-on-one chat with a counselor. Just a check-in and see how you’re doing type thing. Just because you’re at Training Camp doesn’t mean that you’re going on the World Race. This is their way of getting face-time and seeing who may not be cut-out for the missions field. I know this. I have been frustrated ever since last night and really just going through the motions… which is not like me. So, as he asks some questions, I give him brutally honest answers. Some are questions about the Bible and faith and why I decided to go on a missions trip. To be fair, I don’t understand most of why I’m there but I know it’s the right next-step. I give him full honest answers to all of his questions, cursing occasionally in frustration, but hiding nothing. Finally, I cut to the chase.
I tell him this: “To be honest, I’m not sure if I really believe in Jesus, or if I just go along with it because it’s part of the Sunday School Bible stories. I believe in God, but I can’t tell you for sure that I really believe in Jesus. I don’t understand any of this. I try to live my life and be a good man and a good person and I was raised in a good Christian home but that’s it. My faith is there somewhere, but it is really really weak.” Needless to say, that’s not a very compelling argument for why I want to be on a missions trip, but it’s the complete honest truth. He looks at me for a moment and asks if I’ve heard the term Agnostic before. I tell him yes and I hate to admit it but I’m probably closer to Agnostic than Christian. But as I say this, the amount of frustration in me is palpable. I want to understand Jesus and I’m trying but as of now, I just don’t get it; I’m having a hard time differentiating what I really believe from what I just try to believe because it’s part of the Bible story. Oddly enough, he thanks me for my openness and tells me it’s refreshing to hear someone be so bluntly honest. We talk a bit more and he offers me some resources, Bible verses, and other camp staff and pastors who might be good at helping me with my questions.
Sometime later that night and over the course of the next day or so, I begin to realize that faith is just that… it’s called FAITH for a reason. I can’t see it most of the time. God doesn’t part the clouds and speak to me. And if I do see Jesus, it’s probably too late. I do know that I need God in my life. I do know there are massive holes in my life that only Jesus can fill. And I do know that I would rather have faith any day than have no faith. And then I realize… I have tried to jump right back into the pool, doggy paddling around in the same spot as I had been before I gave up on God. That’s simply not going to work.
What I need to do is this: I need to start over from the beginning, dip my toes in the shallow end, work up to my chest, and start swimming. Doggy paddling around in circles just because it keeps my head above the water is not good enough and it’s never going to get me to where I want to be. I need to “return to GO, do no collect $200” as the Monopoly “Chance card” says. It seems weird, but sometimes starting over is the best option you’ve got.
So, later that night, we are cooking dinner. As part of the World Race training, we have to make our own fire and cook our food. We have chicken and some vegetables and we have to cook it all to feed ourselves. No big deal. I help start the fire and I explain how to get the coals real hot and how to set the food so it cooks properly. I’ve done this a thousand times and people can lean on me for help with this kind of stuff. It’s what I’m good at and it’s what my squad depends on me for. After dinner, we rebuild the bonfire. And I finally get up the courage to do what I need to do.
In front of my entire squad of about 50 people who all know that I’ve been having a hard time with this faith concept, I tell them a bit of background about myself and why I gave up on God and what eventually led me to the World Race. I admitted that my faith sucks but I’m going to try my best. Then, I ask them to pray for me. This is already a big step for me as I have never done anything like that before. Next, I ask them to join me as I pray out loud, which is again something that I don’t usually do.
… And as I was saying about getting back in the shallow end and trying to swim from there, I did exactly that. I asked Jesus back into my life. I apologized for all of the things I’ve done and the ways I have turned my back on Him. And I asked for the strength, courage, and guidance that I need from Him in my life. I want to live my life like Jesus. I want to follow Him and walk with Him and have this great adventure with Him. I know it’s not going to be easy. There are going to be lots of times where I stumble and fall and stray off the path. But I know that I need Jesus in my life and I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep him there, front and center.
Thanks for reading this. I hope it brought you hope and strength. I know that many people question their faith just like I question mine. Every person has to come to their own conclusion. However, I hope that by following my journey, you will begin to see the evidence that you need as Jesus moves in my life.
God bless,
Dave
(As a side note, I am now only $200 from my deadline to make it to launch. $200 more and I get to leave with the rest of my team for Africa to see how the rest of this story unfolds. Please keep me in your prayers and consider supporting me. Every little bit helps. And if you cannot or choose not to, I hope you will still continue to follow this blog as I embark on the adventure of a lifetime.)
