² I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. ³ You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

⁴ Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.

As harsh as the words above were hard to hear from God, It was all true. I was towards the end of month nine and beginning month ten and the excitement I had at the beginning of the race was no longer there. I left Cambodia feeling a little defeated and feeling as if I could not pour out any of myself. I had began thinking more and more of going home and as much as I tried to stay checked in, it was inevitable. I later realized I had checked out and had stopped relying on God. 

I was trying to figure things out on my own and it affected me emotionally and spiritually. I did not like the way I was feeling and when I got to the end of my rope this is where God stepped in. I believe he allowed me to go through this because I chose it like that. God is gentleman and will not push his way in our lives. He had let me try to figure it out and see how far I would get. The reality is he never left me and loves me the same always. It was I who stepped aside and was trying to understand things on my own. 

Going into Thailand month ten, I joined the prayer team. I cannot say I was too exited about it. I talk to God all the time but to set aside 2-4 hours a day just to pray had never been something I was passionate about. I cannot say the month or time in it was easy, but seeing what all God can do when we seek him first and dedicate time for Him was amazing. 

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. – Matthew 6:33

God worked with me through this month. Even though there was much exhaustion and honestly lack of motivation, I began pushing through these feelings. I would ask God to help me stay focus. I had asked him going into Thailand to show me the impossible and to challenge me. He did challenge me alright. But about the impossible, this is where he told me that I would not see these things until I was back again like I was in month one. He needed me to go back to our first love. 

This hit me so hard and realized I do not want to ever stop being amazed and in love with God. It should never be a sacrifice and dreadful to be in his presence. I should never stop trusting in him. I should never forget all he has done and how far he has brought me. God is good and always will be there. I should not have made it into feeling so terrible before I could reach out to him. The good part about this is that he is always there when we need him and always loves the same. His feelings do not change. 

These pictures were taken during an adventure day. I thought I was enjoying a hike this day, but what God showed me was that he was bringing me back to our honeymoon stage. I was blown away by so much beauty that I just cried. It began misting and the most beautiful rainbow came out. This was a little glimpse of what he can give me if I just continue to trust Him.  He was telling me that whatever he promises, he will do. He brought me back to our first Love. Again and again he makes me fall in love with him. 

I now have peace about what is ahead and in month eleven enjoying what He is doing and with a different attitude. I am back to excitement of month one. Of course exhausted but not checked out. 

As hard as things may seem sometimes, do not give up on yourself and especially God. He is there for you. Seek Him and find your first Love again.

Isaiah 40:28-31